News

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Not News of the Week

Welcome to the tenth edition of the Not News of the Week: Your weekly reminder that if it’s not worth talking about, then it’s definitely not news.

The Palin family feud is officially underway. Levi Johnston, the guy that knocked up Sarah Palin’s then 17-year-old daughter, is spilling the beans on the secret life of the former governor of Alaska and 2012 presidential hopeful. Johnston says Palin’s reputation as a outdoorsy person is all hype as he’s never seen her touch a fishing pole and claims she can’t identify guns, let alone knows how to fire one. He also tries to debunk the myth that Palin was a good family woman saying that the family rarely talked or ate dinner together and Sarah and Todd’s marriage was teetering on the brink of divorce. Even if these accusations aren’t entirely true, they’re still going to hurt Palin’s planned presidential campaign. That and the fact that she’s, as McCain campaign workers so eloquently put it, inept, ignorant, and egocentric. Continue reading →

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Not News of the Week

Another week means it’s time for more of the news that’s not fit for print. It’s the Not News of the Week.

One of the rising stars of Twitter is not a popular Hollywood star or media personality. Instead, it’s not someone who is already a star but a 73-year-old grandfather whose quotes are being Tweeted by his son. The grumpy old man’s views on everything from actresses to voicemail to his grandkid are tweeted by his live-in son. He’s rocketed over 50,000 followers and is still gaining more from word of mouth about him rather than the shameless plugging that celebrities engage in. You can follow him @shitmydadsays where you can find gems such as “Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.” Continue reading →

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Not News of the Week

Remember: If it’s not worth talking about, then it’s definitely not news. This week’s theme on the Not News is medical mysteries.

Early last week, it was reported that a Tunisian woman was pregnant with 12 babies, 6 boys and 6 girls. That report said that the woman was planning on giving birth to all 12 naturally. That would have been different from OctoMom who gave birth to her eight kids through c-section. But I keep saying “report” because it turns out that it was all a hoax. After hearing about the woman, the Tunisian health ministry investigated and found the woman had psychological issues and likely wasn’t even pregnant. Experts said it would have been physically impossible for he to carry 12 babies and she also refused to undergo any medical exams. In the days after the first report, the would-be DuodecaMom and her husband went into hiding and haven’t been heard from since. Continue reading →

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Not News of the Week

I may be on my way back from Michigan International Speedway but that doesn’t mean that things don’t roll along as usual. It’s time for the weird, the wacky, and the wonderful on the Not News of the Week. This week’s theme is doctors and surgery.

A British paramedic who allegedly had oral sex in a hospital parking lot while on duty claimed he was only trying to comfort a woman. That doesn’t explain why he was caught on a security camera sitting in the passenger seat of a car with a woman’s head in his lap. A hospital security guard saw the couple sitting in the car and, thinking that they were suspicious, focused a security camera on them. What he got was a 14 minute live sex show. The security guard said, “In the footage, her head does go to his lap. Her head does appear to go up and down.” The hospital’s security chief also saw the pair go at it on camera and said that it wasn’t the first time that the hospital parking lot was used for a conjugal visit. Continue reading →

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Not News of the Week

As we always say: If it’s not worth talking about, then it’s definitely not news. If you’re looking for a theme for today’s Not News, I really couldn’t give you one. Maybe I’ll go with Crime & Punishment.

A survey of over 3,000 Chinese have found that prostitutes are the third most trusted people by profession in China. This puts them behind farmers and religious workers but ahead of soldiers, teachers, scientists and politicians. In one Chinese daily English-language newspaper, a columnist wrote that “a list like this is at the same time surprising and embarrassing.” I wouldn’t feel too bad if I were him. I trust hookers more than politicians too. Fortunately for politicians, they (miraculously) didn’t fall on to the list of least trusted professions. Scoring the lowest in the survey were real estate developers, secretaries, agents, entertainers, and directors. Continue reading →

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Not News of the Week

If it’s not worth talking about, then we must be bringing you another edition of the Not News of the Week. This week’s theme is Epic Failures.

Robbery Fail
Two would be burglars of an alcohol warehouse didn’t listen to an important piece of advice from Scarface: Don’t get high on your own supply. Two men managed to wheel out some booze and stack some more cases. However, their mission got sidetracked when they cracked open a few bottles. Before they knew it, they were passed out in the warehouse’s yard where police found them the next morning. They were so drunk that they couldn’t even escape. They were brought to court the next morning where one of the men was still so drunk that he wasn’t let into the building. Rather than go it alone, his partner walked out of the court without anyone noticing and the two have been on the run since then. If I were the rozzers (Brit slang for police), I would search in a spiral pattern and look only at pubs and liquor stores. Continue reading →

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Not News of the Week

If it’s not worth talking about, that must mean it’s time for another edition of the Not News of the Week. The theme for this week’s edition is boys and their toys.

England cricketing legend Andrew Flintoff has decided to retire from test cricket at the age of 31. For those who are interested, test cricket is one cricket match that is played over a five day period. Flintoff will retire after the ongoing Ashes test cricket series between England and Australia. The Ashes is a series of five 5-day matches and is among the biggest cricketing events in the world. Anyway, Flintoff claims that years of injuries and operations have finally caught up with him and he can’t play at his top level anymore. So what does plan on doing with his free time? He’s going to spend more time with his family and watching Coronation Street. Yes, his favourite TV show is a soap opera. But are you going to say anything to a man who is best known for pounding objects with a giant bat? Continue reading →

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Not News of the Week

It’s all the news that’s not fit for print. It’s the weird, wacky and wonderful Not News of the Week. All of this week’s stories have to do with money. After all, cash is king.

Two former advertising executives have written a book that puts a monetary value to things that make you happy but don’t actually cost you any money. It seems generally pointless but there are some interesting things in there. For example, the words “I love you” are worth £163,424. While that is considerably more than what I paid for my last mail order bride, the good news is that you aren’t likely to see anyone run away for that cash. Also, I’m sure you’ll help yourself if you say that your girlfriend’s love is worth more than that. I guess this week is the not news and love advice of the week. Continue reading →

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Not News of the Week

Remember: If it’s not worth talking about, then it’s definitely not news. This week’s Not News theme is booze and porn. Things that actually come up quite often on the radio show.

The Beer on the Wye festival in Herefordshire, England was supposed to run until Sunday night before they ran into a problem. They had a bigger turnout than expect that drank more per person than expected and ran the taps dry on Saturday. The organizers thought they had enough beer to handle the larger crowd (30% larger than the previous year’s) but ordered another 200 gallons of beer on Saturday just in case it was needed. Turns out that it wasn’t enough. Unfortunately that meant the cancellation of Sunday’s Family Day at the beer festival. Continue reading →

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Not News of the Week

Every week, there are stories that won’t make the headlines, take up weeks of coverage on CNN, or have people buzzing at the water cooler. These are the stories that aren’t worth talking about. This is the Not News of the week.

The city of Toronto can be glad that they don’t have to put up with garbage men this stuck up about procedure while they’re all on strike. A British garbage man refused to collect one man’s garbage can because it was placed three inches too far to the right and not sitting square on the sidewalk. The same man found his garbage uncollected two weeks later because there was a crumpet in his recycling bin. I guess that British garbage men are the only ones who have an appreciation for Feng Shui. Continue reading →