Remember: If it’s not worth talking about, then it’s definitely not news. This week’s Not News theme is booze and porn. Things that actually come up quite often on the radio show.

The Beer on the Wye festival in Herefordshire, England was supposed to run until Sunday night before they ran into a problem. They had a bigger turnout than expect that drank more per person than expected and ran the taps dry on Saturday. The organizers thought they had enough beer to handle the larger crowd (30% larger than the previous year’s) but ordered another 200 gallons of beer on Saturday just in case it was needed. Turns out that it wasn’t enough. Unfortunately that meant the cancellation of Sunday’s Family Day at the beer festival.

Speaking of drinking, an Englishman (who else) was banned from getting drunk in England or Wales for the next seven years by a judged. He was also banned from acting abusively, entering bars or pubs, and carrying open bottles of alcohol. The man has been arrested 11 time for various alcohol related offenses. He once was so drunk that he urinated on store windows. If you’re wondering how the Brits are planning on enforcing the punishment, they’ve issued an ASBO (anti-social behaviour order). Basically, it’s supposed to be a personalized order not to do a specified behaviour and a violation is punishable with up to 5 years in prison. For drunk and disorderly in Canada, that would actually be pretty good.

In an effort to boost customer service, more than 500 staff members of Japan’s Keihin Electric Express Railway are being subjected to daily scans by the smile police. Each morning, staff are scanned while smiling and processed by computers. The software examines everything from wrinkles to lip curling to eye movement. The computer will then rate their smile from 0 to 100 and give tips on how to improve their score. To add insult to annoyance, the employees are given a print out of their scan to keep with them for the day and use it for “inspiration.”

Brits that are looking for a job in television need to read this. Job website Jobcentre is advertising a job for “Adult TV Channel Presenter.” In other words, you could be the host of porn channel. The successful applicant will work three eight hour shifts each week at £220 per shift. The duties will involve “explicit sexual dialogue,” appearing semi-nude on air, and taking live-to-air calls from the viewing audience. Jobcentre noted on its website that the job “may cause embarrassment to some people.” I’m guessing that Sue Johanson need not apply.

Speaking of adult entertainment, an elementary school teacher sent home a DVD of class memories from the past school year. Turns out that there was one memory on the DVD that will be burned into the minds of the kids forever. Spliced into a clip of the kids telling stories in class was a six-second clip of the teacher having sex on a couch. The teacher apparently didn’t find out about the X-rated footage until a concerned parent called her. The school board asked the parents to destroy the DVD and have not said if they will take any actions against the teacher. I’d say teach her a lesson by releasing the her sex tape.