The Humanoids: Comeback Kids

This week’s edition of The Humanoids is about all those folks who are coming back into the public eye after some time away or are getting over some minor issues (like prison). For a couple of these folks, we don’t mind seeing them get back in the game. As for Brett Favre, we wish he’d just go away. His comeback isn’t such a welcome thing but his latest saga brought a couple of our favourites out of the woodwork. You’d know all about that from yesterday’s Favre-themed linkdump. Don’t worry, there’s lots more than Favre in today’s post.

Brett Favre
Now, stop me if you’ve heard this sometime (or times) over the last three years but Brett Favre is finally going to hang up his cleats… Maybe Citing the physical toll that the last season took on him, Favre decided retiring. Well, Jay Glazer said that Brett told teammates he was taking the year off. Then, Brett told ESPN he never sent those texts. Whether this supposed retirement permanent or a one year sabbatical or just the preseason, it’s still a load of Missouri horseshit. He’s got a chance to win the Super Bowl again and he’s going to pack it in. Let’s face it, the Vikings were a second thought away (no, make that any thought running through Brett’s head) from going to the Super Bowl last season. There’s no reason to believe that the Vikings weren’t an NFC final four team this year. There’s no way that Favre’s going to walk away from that. But in making us talk about him, Brett’s illustrated his #1 skill. No, his supreme talent isn’t as a leader or on the field. His best skill is getting people talking about him. This started as the summer of LeBron but the second Brett’s retirement announcement was “leaked” we all started talking about #4. Say what you will about Favre but you have to admire his marketing wizardry. Even if he didn’t deny that he was retiring, we all knew it was a matter of when, not if, he would play this season.

Deadspin/Jenn Sterger
Two for the price of one on this one. Brett stayed in the public view later in the week post-retirement but it wasn’t under his control. Well, at least one eye was in public view. Deadspin ran a story that Jenn Sterger was sent Brett Favre dong pictures by #4 himself. See, even off the field, Brett’s just like a kid out there. What we have now is the great journalistic debate. Is Deadspin and editor AJ Daulerio, winners of our 2009 Larry Flint Freedom of Speech Award, in the wrong for running the story without the alleged photos and voicemails that Favre sent? Is Sterger in the wrong for telling Daulerio this story despite the fact she’s in the media and wants to further pursue a career in sports media? Aren’t we missing the point that a married Brett Favre is sending pictures of himself masturbating while wearing Crocs? Regardless of whether this story is true or not and what you think of the parties involved, isn’t this the greatest story of the year? The answers to those questions are “probably,” “no,” “yes,” and “hell yeah!” Daulerio is a bit of a jerk for running this without Sterger’s express written consent (to use the old sports broadcast catchphrase) but she knew who she was talking to. And this has to rank up with Delonte West hooking up with LeBron’s mom as the best sports story of the year. We all hate Brett Favre for being a self-centred douche juice but you can’t help but laugh at him just a bit now. That and if I start a fantasy team this year, it shall be called “Favre’s Croc Shots”… Like the rest of America, I guess. Now, as much I’d rather not look at Favre’s dong and want to believe Sterger, without pictures this story is just a quarter-million page view grabbing post. And that’s 250,000 in under 10 hours. That’s more page views than we’ve ever had. Maybe we should run a story based on “somebody’s word” (with no evidence) that LeBron texted pictures of his dong to Delonte West’s girlfriend which caused Delonte to bang LeBron’s mom for retribution or something completely fucked up like that.. Granted, the Deadspin story is based on someone’s word… Even if she didn’t really consent to be linked with this story. But that’s a whole other can of worms that I don’t want to get near.

Alex Rodriguez
Yes, he hit 600 home runs. A reasonably big accomplishment whether or not the player is an admitted steroid user. But let’s face it folks, if we were to grade player on a Madden-like rating system instead of sabremetric bullshit, A-Rod would be batting 7th through 9th. Last I remember, “clutch” was a rating in Madden. Sometimes, A-Rod’s clutch rating could be in the 80s. But when he actually needs to be clutch, such as in the playoffs or when about to reach a milestone, he crumbles like a dry cake. Seriously, if mental fortitude was an actual statistic, A-Rod would have to be somewhere in the bottom half of the league. The good news is that we won’t have to hear about A-Rod again until the playoffs roll around and we get to hear about what a waste he is. I’m mostly just shocked that we haven’t heard that the Yanks should have kept Soriano. Remember him? His first name was Alfonso right? Isn’t he in Chicago right now? He sure as hell wasn’t worth his contract without some hitters protecting him in the lineup.

Wyclef Jean
So, you’re a slightly famous hip hop artist whose claim to fame is that he’s Haitian, what’s your next career move? Run for the Presidency of Haiti. Makes perfect sense, after all. Your elected experience is… non-existant. The only thing you’ve done for your country is start up a charity after an earthquake. It’s an admirable cause but taking over the whole damn country won’t do anyone any good. I thought “celebrities” were under the tight control of their publicists and managers. When you have no political experience of any type, what makes you think that you are the slightest bit qualified to run a country. I know that the Governator is running California but I don’t think that any pundits would rank his gubernatorial reign among the best that California has ever seen. Barack Obama is a campaigning machine but hasn’t found his leader legs in the White House. Wyclef Jean will have his chance to lead Haiti. I don’t think there’s any doubt of that. He starts off as the most famous candidate in the running with the deepest pockets. He’d have to be an idiot to lose this one. He’d be bigger idiot to see this through to the end.

BlackBerry Torch
I’m repeatedly on the record as being anti-CrackBerry. I don’t see the need to be connected 24/7 to the world. Then I got into blogging and Twitter and now, I’m not as anti-smart phone as I was even six months ago. Mind you, I still think that owning any sort of BlackBerry is generally a sign that you’re a cock. However, the new sliding BlackBerry Torch might be the exemption that proves the rule. Sure, it’s a CrackBerry but it’s not the traditional big, bulky BlackBerry that’s synonymous with nerdy pencil pushers who wear pocket protectors and use it to answer emails all day. The Torch at least seems a bit closer to the iPhone in terms of appearing fun. The fact that the software has been upgraded doesn’t hurt. That and the fact that the iPhone 4 a technical bust. I would have liked an iPhone but it’s too chic and trendy for me to want one now. Maybe the fact that the BlackBerry is losing popularity is why I like it now. That and I’d like to help screw over Gary Bettman by buying Jim Balsillie’s new phone.

Lindsay Lohan
So repeated parole violations on drunk driving and drug charges are only worth about 14 days in the slammer if you’re a celebrity. If you’re a normal person, then you probably serve the full 90 days. If you’re Lindsay Lohan, you can figuratively and literally say “Fuck you” to the system and get away with it. Hell, why weren’t perjury charges tacked on to that original 90 days because she quite clearly lied to the court when she said, “I did do everything I was told to do and did the best I could to balance jobs and showing up.” No, you showed up when it convenienced you and your work consists of getting paid to show up to clubs. No wonder why her alcohol monitoring bracelet went off repeatedly. She couldn’t care less about the punishment handed down by the court system because Los Angeles is a society that built upon putting famous people on a pedestal and worship them. Hell, when the President of the United States is being asked questions about the Jersey Shore kids, you know the priorities of Hollywood are completely fucked up. Is early release the worst perk that society has ever given to a celebrity, probably not. It does make me think twice on endorsing western society to Kim Jong-Il.

Celebrity Sex Tapes
And Lindsay gets me to thinking about sex tapes. Remember about five or six months back when there was a rumour that a short sex tape of her was about to be leaked. She was worried that it would destroy her career and public image. After the prison time and rehab, she has no career or public image. Sure, she has that bio-pic about a pornstar that she’s filming upon release but that might not be good enough. Nudity will do her career well but I think that she has to go above and beyond the call of duty. The release of a sex tape couldn’t “hurt” her “career” any more than it did for Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Pam Anderson’s sex tape didn’t do any harm to her career. Lindsay doesn’t have any place to go but up from here. Mind you, with that Eva Mendes sex tape that came out this week, shows the absolute disaster that fake sex tapes at the height of your popularity could be. I don’t remember watching a movie with her in it, but I doubt I ever will now.

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