Not News of the Week

If it’s not worth talking about, then it must be the Not News of the Week.

A woman in Montana has discovered the top secret way to fend off a bear attack: Bash it with a zucchini. The woman was woken by a raucous in her backyard and found her dog fighting with a small black bear. She tried to intervene by screaming at the bear but that just got it to charge at her. So to fend off the bear, she grabbed the first thing in her kitchen that she could get her hands on. That happened to be a 12 inch long zucchini that she picked from her garden earlier in the day. She flung it at the bear, hit it in the head and scared the bear off. Both the woman and her dog were no worse for wear. No word if the bear made off with the vegetable for its evening snack.

When you’re trying to come up with a defense for drug smuggling, saying that the drugs aren’t yours usually doesn’t work. That’s especially true when police find the cocaine in your buttocks. A Florida man was pulled over in a routine traffic stop and was searched when police smelled marijuana. A pat down revealed that the man had placed his 4.5-gram bag of Mary Jane in his ass as well as a 3.5-gram bag of cocaine. The man freely admitted that the marijuana was his but would own up to the cocaine. He claimed a friend borrowed the car and left the cocaine in it so he hid it when the police pulled him over. He forgot the first rule of law, though. Possession is nine-tenths of the law. Unfortunately for this man, stuffing the cocaine up his ass made it his whether he was planning on using it or not.

Field trips are the best part of school but I never would have thought that a trip to the county morgue would have been such a good idea. It was really bad for a group of high schoolers from Staten Island. They found the brain of a high school classmate who died in a car crash some five years ago in a jar in the medical examiner’s specimen cabinet. The teenager died of head trauma from the crash and the ME kept the brain as part of his collection of about half-a-dozen brains for further examination and testing. It’s bad enough that the brain’s former classmates were on the trip but so was his girlfriend who was slightly traumatized by the experience. And I thought that field trips to the hospital were bad…

If you have a brand new car and need to break it in, don’t race it, especially in Canada. A 21-year-old in Vancouver decided the best way to get his near half-million-dollars investment in his day-old Ferrari F430 Scuderia was to race a BMW on Vancouver side roads. The pair of cars were said to have reached speeds of 200 km/h before 11:00 AM on a recent Saturday morning. For their troubles, both drivers were fined $1,000 and lost their cars and licences for seven days. That’s just another sign of Canada’s draconian laws. In Italy, those two guys would have been lauded for their pursuit of racing supremacy.

From high-speed chases to ones that certainly aren’t. A man in Florida saw that his partner in crime was being searched by police in relation to the possession and sale of stolen property. So he decided that the best way to avoid arrest was to make a vehicular getaway. Unfortunately for him, his vehicle of choice was a riding lawnmower. Suffice to say that unlike the Canadian in the Ferrari Scuderia, this man was easy to catch. Amazingly, not among the many charges filed against him was DUI. How can a sober person decide that the best getaway vehicle is lawnmower?

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