Not News of the Week #50

It’s a special edition of your favourite time of the week. It’s the 50th edition of all the weirdest and wackiest stories not fit for print. It’s the Not News of the Week.

Vuvuzelas were easily the most aggravating part of the 2010 World Cup (apart from the officiating). But usually, we’d turn down the sound or change the channel if need be. But what do you do if you don’t have that option? An Italian man found the best solution to that problem was reckless destruction. The man was at a bar where people were constantly blowing their vuvuzelas and tried to put a stop to their buzzing by firing a rifle into the air. When that didn’t work, he hopped into his car and rammed into the bar repeatedly before driving away. Oddly enough, when he went to a nearby hospital, he wasn’t going for treatment for his injuries but was admitted to the psychiatric ward. I knew those things would drive us all nuts eventually.

We know that Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad isn’t a fan of the West but he may have gone off the deep-end with the latest target for his ire. He says that Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay among Iran’s enemies. He accused Paul of spreading “western propaganda and superstition” with its famous World Cup picks. I think Mahmoud is just jealous that Paul wouldn’t pick Iran in any of its qualification matches.

Now, if Mahmoud wants a sign of what’s wrong with the West, he’d like this next story. One of the breakout stars of the World Cup was Paraguayan fan LaRissa Riquelme. She was the woman who had a unique cellphone holder and said she was going to run the streets naked if Paraguay won the title. Well, she, her sister and two acquaintances were robbed by two men who took their passports, digital camera and the famous cellphone from the picture on the left. That just goes to show you that people in the west have no respect for anyone’s property, especially culturally significant property.

Sometimes I think we should create a Darwin Award equivalent for criminals who practically beg to be caught by police. Take the example of an Indiana man who was arrested for forgery last week. He got a blank cheque from a man who he did work for so he filled out an amount and tried to crash it at a drive-through teller window. However, the teller didn’t believe that the man’s $1 Million was valid. She told him such but the man still handed over his driver’s license to the teller when she asked for it. Her copy of the licence led police to the man. The police will have an easy go with this one too. The man confessed to filling out the cheque and forging his employer’s signature. At least make the cops work for it.

Tokyo has egg on its face after a bit of irony leading up to their Respect for the Elderly Day. City officials were trying to track down the oldest man in the city as part of the preparations for Respect for the Elderly Day but when they found the supposedly 111-year-old man, they found out he was dead. Turns out that he wasn’t just recently deceased but had been dead for nearly 30 years but city officials didn’t know. That’s because the man’s family left him in his room, undisturbed, after he declared he wanted be a “living  Buddha” and threw everyone out of his room. In the intervening 30 years that no one heard from him, he naturally mummified in his bed. It’s a good thing Tokyo officials found this out now. It would have been awkward if the mayor shook his hand on Respect for the Elderly Day and his arm fell off.

Some of Tiger Woods’ mistresses tried to cash in on their 15 minutes of fame by writing books and doing tell-all interviews. Porn star Devon James is going to try her hand at celebrity boxing. Unfortunately for her and her career prospects, she’s taking on an Army vet who was in Kuwait and just happened to be divorced after her husband had an affair. Worse for James, her opponent is hellbent on destroying James so as to extract retribution for Elin Nordegren. The irony is that Elin already got a rumoured $750 million in pay back in her divorce settlement. I don’t think she needs floozy knocked out of her chosen profession in her name too but that 9-iron sure had a lot of rage behind it on Thanksgiving.

Depending on your thoughts of Taco Bell, you may think this next woman got off lightly. A 24-year-old California woman was arrested for assault on a police officer after throwing a Burrito Supreme at him. The flying half-pound artery-clogging burrito hit the officer square in the chest. The woman also attempted to spit on the officer but that might have been a bit redundant. If she treated Taco Bell staff as well as the cops, the staff may have taken care of the spitting with the flying burrito. But it’s a good thing that this incident didn’t take place at a KFC. Throwing a Double Down would have been assault with a deadly weapon.

Everybody learned how to drive in the same place no matter when they learned: In a parking lot. An Argentine man found out the hard way that the parking lot you should learn in should be on flat ground. As you can see in the picture, he managed to wedge himself between two buildings when he drove his Volkswagen Gol out the side of a parking garage. Apparently, the man got lost in the parking garage, lost control of the car and ended up wedged between two buildings. He needed firefighters to rescue him from his perch and the car sat between the buildings for a day before a crane could rescue it. And you thought the lampposts when you were learning were scary.

Taking a shower should be a part of your daily routine, just don’t do it like this next man. A man in Virginia was arrested for indecent exposure after he was found naked in the touch-free stall of a car wash. A witness said that the man followed a car into the car wash wearing only a pair of shorts. When police showed up, the shorts were gone. The man claims that he was just taking a shower. No words if shrinkage played any part in the charges.

Sometimes, a trying to win bet isn’t worth it. A man in India found this out after his friends bet him 100 rupees that he couldn’t eat a poisonous snakes after it bit one of the super best friends. The man did manage to down the snake but fell violently ill immediately afterwards. He was rushed to hospital where doctors were able to remove the contents of his stomach before the snake’s venom could enter his blood. All that fun and the man got his money. In Canadian, the man got about $2.24 for his near death experience.

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