The Humanoids: It’s Super

It’s Super Bowl week! We’re less than 48 hours from the kickoff of the biggest game of the year that relates to a football season that was played last year but let’s not get bogged down in technicalities. The teams are decided, the players are focused, and the coaches are preparing their troops to head into battle. That doesn’t mean that everyone and everything has been polished to perfection heading into the big game. There’s lingering questions about everyone, whether they’re in the game or not. I guess that means it’s up to me to dissect the Super Bowl in a way only the Humanoids can.

By the way, got some good feedback on the guest co-host on the latest Lowdown Extra. Check out our latest epic webisode of The Lowdown to hear him tear the house down with hilarious stories and jokes.

Peyton Manning
Three years ago, he was in Miami for the Super Bowl. The question then was if he could finally win the big one. This year, he’s in Miami for the Super Bowl. The question now is if he can cement his legacy by winning a second big one. All the last two weeks, the debate hasn’t been is Peyton Manning or Drew Brees the better quarterback in this game. The question has been is Peyton Manning or Joe Montana the greatest quarterback of all-time. The poor guy is trying to win a championship and folks are busy asking him if his ticket is punched for Canton. I’m inclined to think that Peyton doesn’t take himself so seriously that this would bother him. He was pretty funny on SNL when he made his appearance after winning the Super Bowl three years ago. Actually, hopefully Lorne will keep the phone close by so he can call Peyton when the final gun goes off. A win will cement Peyton’s standing as one of the elite quarterbacks of all-time but another stellar performance on SNL will make him one of the all-time biggest stars in NFL history.

Drew Brees
The guy should have been the MVP but lost it to the guy that’s leading the other team in the Super Bowl. If not for a complete and utter late season collapse, the Saints could have gone 16-0 in the regular season. That would have cemented Brees as the MVP and the Saints as the real story in Super Bowl. Instead most of the talk has been about Peyton Manning’s legacy and the city of New Orleans but not the team. Brees is leading a team of underdogs that aren’t getting its due. It reminds me of when he was the quarterback of the San Diego Chargers. He was discarded for the younger Phillip Rivers despite being a pretty good QB in his own regard. Now the Saints, who weren’t this good when Brees showed up some four years ago, are on the verge of greatness. And yet Brees isn’t a household name despite leading America’s favourite football storyline to prosperity. The thing is that he hasn’t had the opportunity to showcase if he has half the charisma that Peyton Manning does. Even if he wins the Super Bowl and is named the MVP, he probably won’t get the chance to show off that he has any personality. After all, he is no Peyton Manning.

Michael Vick
He told Dan Patrick that he wants to return to where he was before he was arrested which was being one of the Top 10 QBs in the NFL. Well, if all he did was work out of some sort of Wildcat-ish formation, then he would be a Top 10 QB in the NFL because all the DBs would cheat up expecting a QB run or a hand-off and he could lob one over the top. Remember that Vick used to have fairly impressive arm strength. The fact of the matter is that Vick is, was, and forever shall be a run first, pass second quarterback. It’s understandable given how good he is at running the ball. The problem is that it seems as though the NFL is shifting back to pass-first attacks (not CFL pass first but no one else can go pass first like them). Guys like Manning, Brees, and Brady who can find holes in the defence that mere mortals would only be able to spot with the help of TV analysts. Vick just can’t read secondaries anywhere near that level. That’s not his only problem, though. When you’re the third stringer on any team, it’s hard to be a premier player.

Brett Favre
Even when he’s been out of the NFL picture for two weeks, he’s still the centre of attention. He sent pictures to his agent of his banged up left ankle and right leg. Basically, Favre was beaten literally black and blue. So what does Favre’s agent do? He sends the pictures the media to prove how tough that Brett Favre is despite retiring twice and being 97 years old. I saw one Kool-Aid drinking media member say something to the effect of that it was okay that Favre threw a horrible pass that was intercepted and cost the Vikings a shot at the Super Bowl because nobody he knows would have been mobile if they had been beaten up that badly. Clearly, that man knows nobody under the age of 75. It’s times like these that make me wonder if it’s really Favre’s fault that everyone outside of the states of Minnesota and Missouri hate him. Really, Brett Favre does everything that he can to stay in the public eye but maybe he’s just feeding the media fuelled fire that surrounds him. Guys like Peter King and John Madden dole out so much Favre love that it’s impossible to escape the crush of writing that is Favre love. So we all hate Brett Favre but I think we should hate the media even more… But you shouldn’t stop reading my ramblings because I say the media is feeding you crap.

Tim Tebow
Tebow (or Te-blow if you talk to the anti-Tebow brigade) (or Te-bone if you’re a woman looking to get Tim Te-boned) is another quarterback that you just can’t get away from. More people know about Tebow than Pro Bowl QBs Matt Schaub and Vince Young. Sure, Tebow won two national titles at Florida and a Heisman in his sophomore year but there are a lot of questions about his ability to be an actual quarterback. Remember that thing I said earlier about the NFL going back to pass first? That’s not something Tebow does well. He has a very long throwing motion that telegraphs his throws. If he was in a permanent Wildcat-ish offense (like Mike Vick could thrive in), then maybe he could be a success at the NFL level. Maybe he just needs some quarterback coaching to turn him into a passer. But I love that his biggest struggle isn’t actually passing the ball. He can’t even take the ball from under centre. Sure, it seems as though more and more plays are being run out of the shotgun but if you lack one of the fundamental skills of being a quarterback, how can you actually succeed as a professional? And despite all this, he’ll be in the Super Bowl… Well, a Super Bowl ad. A pro-life, anti-abortion (redundancy alert) ad during the Super Bowl. How many NFL players do you think would support that given the amount of road beef they have on the side?

Reggie Bush
Sure have talked enough about quarterbacks so far. Bush is carrying quite the burden heading into Sunday night. First, he hasn’t at all lived up to the potential that he appeared to have when he was drafted out of USC. He seemed destined to be an all-world running back and receiving threat but he’s only been able to manage a few flashes in the pan. If he can harness some brilliance for the Super Bowl, it might give the Saints enough weapons to overwhelm the Colts defence. The other burden he has to carry is the enormous ass of Kim Kardashian. Well, he doesn’t literally have to carry it. That’s a feat nearly impossible for mere mortals. No, the rumour is that if the Saints win the Super Bowl, Bush will propose to Kardashian. Now, I don’t know much about her that wasn’t in the sex tape but I’ll go to the adage of don’t buy a cow when all you want is the milk. So is Reggie really going to want to play to his full potential knowing what is expected of him when the final gun sounds? The game could be decided by what Reggie Bush’s subconscious thinks he should do rather than any QB heroics. After all, if Reggie’s subconscious thinks that he should fumble the ball, it’s hard for Brees to work his magic.

The Who
One of the all-time great rock & roll acts will play the Super Bowl halftime show. The Who were once all about rebellion and personified rock & roll spirit. Now they might need walkers to get out to the stage. I think this begs the question of why The Who is one of the all-time great rock and roll acts. Were they great because of their rock and roll music or their rock and roll spirit. They had some great songs like Won’t Get Fooled Again, Baba O’Reily, and Pinball Wizard but a song like My Generation and Substitute were more rock and roll spirit than great music. Those last two were good songs but I think it was more what they were about than the actual musicness of them. Of course, it wasn’t just the music that captured The Who’s rock and roll spirit. Their antics were legendary. There’s Keith Moon’s exploding drums, Keith Moon throwing TVs into pools, Keith Moon driving a car into a hotel lobby, Keith Moon driving a car into a hotel pool, Keith Moon… Actually, I think Keith Moon was the spirit of rock and roll personified. Without him, The Who’s destructive rock and roll streak just doesn’t seem to be there. It almost makes you wonder if any destruction on stage during the halftime show will be real rock and roll or just living up to an expectation that there will be destruction.

Ilya Kovalchuk
And now for something completely different. I know this is supposed to be a football and Super Bowl themed edition of the Humanoids but it seems as though the NHL has gone through a big week at the same time as the NFL. This week, the NHL had its gigantic pre-trade deadline blockbuster trade-athon. This week saw 15 players move teams in three trades in something that was thought to be impossible in the salary cap era of the NHL. And the biggest mover of all 15 was former Atlanta Thrasher and new New Jersey Devil Ilya Kovalchuk. He’s one of the league’s premier snipers and is on one of the league’s premier defensive teams and playing for one of the league’s premier defensive minded coaches. As long as they don’t expect him to play defence, he should push them closer to an Eastern Conference championship. Of course, Dion Phaneuf could have been the biggest name moved this week. But he would have only been a big name because of currently squandered potential. JS Giguere was also moved this week but there’s only so much he can do if he faces 60 shots a night. Amazingly enough, Giguere and Phaneuf will face Kovalchuk tonight. It’s a unbelievably fortunate turn of events for the NHL. All the big names in new jerseys will face each other in a battle that would have otherwise been uneventful. Now watch Gary Bettman screw this up by suspending someone. That’s what he did when Sean Avery tried making that Dallas/Calgary game in 2008 interesting. Heh, sloppy seconds…

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