Not News of the Week

A reminder for your Monday: If it’s not worth talking about, then it’s definitely the Not News of the Week.

The first rule of fight club: Don’t talk about fight club. Second rule of fight club: Don’t get caught. Well, I don’t think that rule was in the movie but the University of Manitoba’s fight club should have adopted it. Five students were banned from the U of M’s gym facilities after they were discovered organizing bare knuckle fights in the gym’s squash courts. They were snitched on by a gym member who saw someone with a bloody nose leaving the squash courts. That person informed gym staff who then found a Facebook group setup to promote the fight club. Well, I guess they didn’t quite talk about fight club but they sure didn’t keep it secret.

In a real-life example of a story that was once on CSI, a woman proved that there are a couple ways to smother your boyfriend. A 300 lb. woman decided that the best way to end a fight with her 120 lb. boyfriend was to sit on him. Being over twice her boyfriend’s size, she managed to squash him to death. As if that wasn’t a bad enough way to go, the woman got off with three years probation and 100 hours of community service in a plea agreement. I would make a joke about a closed casket funeral but that would be slightly tasteless. Instead I’ll say that at least the guy died in an anecdote.

A while back (about a year-and-a-half ago), there was a PR disaster for Tim Horton’s when they fired a woman who gave a young kid a free timbit. Well, Timmy’s isn’t the only fast food place that makes dumb employee decisions. A McDonalds in Holland recently fired an employee for adding cheese to a coworker’s burger without charging extra for it. McDonalds said that the 25c cheese slice violated a corporate rule that says that employees can’t give out free gifts. The Dutch courts didn’t see it that way and forced Mickey D’s pay out the remaining five months of the employee’s contract worth a little over $6,000. The surprisingly common sense court decision read: “The dismissal was too severe a measure. It is just a slice of cheese.”

The Roman Catholic Church may be one of the richest organizations in the world but most of that wealth is concentrated in Rome. That leaves the small parishes in a bit of a cash crunch as an Illinois priest proved last week. The seventh commandment reads “Thou shalt not steal” but that’s apparently optional. A priest was charged with two counts of felony theft after failing to scan some butter and a sofa cover at a grocery store self-checkout. He also switched the bar codes on a memory foam mattress to get a $110 discount and was in possession of a stolen laptop battery. I know that collection plate donations are supposed to be down and all but you think that the seventh commandment would be the seventh thing they learn in seminary school.

Everybody is looking for a quick payday from a lawsuit but some of those stories are weirder than others. The owners of a candy story in the Bronx were arrested and charged with possession of a narcotic when police found what they thought was cocaine in their van. It turns out that it was actually coconut cream candy that they had in their possession which bares a passing resemblance to cocaine. It took the NYPD five days to test the candy to find out it wasn’t cocaine which was five days that one owner spent in a jail cell because he couldn’t make bail. So now the owners are suing the NYPD for $2 Million. An interesting story behind the lawsuit but that doesn’t make it any less ridiculous. Frivolous lawsuits to get rich quick? God bless America.

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