The Humanoids: Pants On The Ground

Every week there are lots of people looking like fools whether or not they have their pants on the ground with the gold in their mouth and hat turned sideways. This week’s victims on The Humanoids have all looked like fools over the last week. Well, most have. I sorta tossed a whole pile of folks as looking foolish over the Conan O’Brien mess. Of course, I have to look like a fool by calling this post “Pants on the Ground.” Fortunately I don’t have any gold in my mouth… Well, not since I got that retaining bar removed. Whoever gets braces is a fool because they’re being ripped off. Sure my teeth are straighter but that bar was there for six years of annoyance. Anyway, let’s get on with the post.

Brett Favre
Well, he sang the infamous song after winning his NFC Divisional round game. Turns out that we can file that under ironic. Brett spent most of the game with his pants on the ground. I’ve been waiting all week to make that joke to an appreciative audience. Nobody at my 9-to-5 got it. Remember aspiring comedians, you can never go broke underestimating the public’s taste. That was my biggest failure as a comic. Actually, on that note, what was the highest trending topic on Twitter about that game? Favre, you say? You’d be wrong. It was “Farve.” Like I said, the public, especially the American public, ain’t that bright. Anyway, so begins months of ESPN speculation about Favre’s future. Is he going to retire like his current teammates think. It would be an irony if Favre’s last pass as a Packer and as a Viking are both interceptions. However, I think we’re in for the trifecta. I think we’re going to see Brett retire and then unretire for the third straight year. You see, folks don’t hate Brett because he’s a good player or because he holds all these records. We hate him because we’re sick of him stealing all the attention. He won’t ride quietly into the sunset. While that it laudable to a certain extent, it’s gotten laughable in recent years. He’s past his prime and buoyed by superb players. Percy Harvin and Adrian Peterson are that offence. I don’t think Brett could do what he’s doing in a Chargers jersey. And that last pass on Sunday should be proof enough of that.

Pro Bowl
Speaking of people looking like fools, let’s not forget the guy that came up with the idea of the Pro Bowl. It’s so well thought of that most of the stars won’t actually be playing in the NFL’s version of an all-star game. Anybody who most people have heard of won’t be playing in the game because of “injuries.” Then, all Pro Bowl players in the Super Bowl are automatically exempt from playing in case they get hurt before the biggest game of the year. I don’t know what prompted the NFL to move the Pro Bowl up two weeks to before the Super Bowl. They wanted it after the Super Bowl so all the players would attend. Obviously, that’s not the case now. They held the game in Hawaii because they figured that all the players would go for an all expenses paid vacation. Actually, they may have been right on that one because it seems as though no one wants to go to South Beach. I love how some sportswriters who wanted to move the Pro Bowl before the Super Bowl are now calling it a bad idea. What next? Move it to mid-season? Do it as the final pre-season game? Actually, I typed that being sarcastic but maybe there’s some merit to that. People already complain about the pre-season sucking but what if the NFL did a Labour Day weekend all-star game. The next weekend would be the start of the season and all would be sorta right with the world. That’s such a great idea that I’m sending my idea to Commissioner Goodell and asking for a job. Anyway, all-star games will never be highly regarded by anything other than the local media and fans because that will be the only time they see the majority of the players in the game.

The Who
Actually, this could just as well be me. Pete Townsend told Billboard Magazine that their Super Bowl halftime show set list wouldn’t be a set list as a giant mashup of some of their hits to fill the roughly 12 or 15 minutes that they have on stage. I was planning on doing an odds post next week guessing which songs would be played during the most watched rock concert of the year. I had Baba O’Reily, My Generation, Pinball Wizard, and Won’t Get Fooled Again on the set list. Turns out that Townsend confirmed all but My Generation as being in the mashup. Tommy and Who Are You were confirmed for the show but weren’t on my final list. So who’s feeling the most foolish right now. I wasted my time writing a post that will need some serious revision before I can post it. (And I’ll probably change it to which song will be first and/or last.) The gambling websites aren’t going to get as much action in a set list prop bet as they would have before Townsend opened his mouth. And The Who ruined a secret that would have been a nice surprise when we tuned in for the big game. Actually, it’s everyone that wanted a surprise and found out the set list either here or somewhere else.

Conan O’Brien
There were so many people that I could have put here. There’s Jay Leno who’s trying to keep his head down while the proverbial tomatoes fly his way. There’s NBC’s Dick Ebersol who supported the Leno move because ABC wanted him to take over 11:35 PM from Kimmel. (He also said that Leno was funnier than Letterman but that’s like saying being crushed by a falling piano is a better way to die than being his by a speeding bus. There ain’t much to pick between there.) CBS apparently is gunning for Conan to replace Craig Ferguson. There would be an irony: Conan forced out of his show and ends up forcing someone else out of theirs. And then there’s the over half-dozen networks looking to sign Conan including Fox, TNT, USA, HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central. At first, I was wondering what Conan was doing. While he was obviously being screwed, I didn’t think leaving NBC would do much to help him in the long-run. Now, I’m quite obviously wrong. Conan can cash in on this huge wave of sympathy that NBC and Leno have created for him. From what I’ve read, Fox is most likely to pick him up simply because of all the money they have at their disposal. Rupert Murdoch’s money is likely to make Conan the richest late night host (apart from Letterman who also produces his own show). But I wouldn’t be surprised to see the CW factor in somewhere. If they don’t at least attempt to get in on the action and make a splash, they should pack up and become just a website.

John Paul II
Is it alright to sarcastically poke fun of a dead guy that’s been nominated for sainthood? Well, when it turns out that the Roman Catholic Church kinda looks like a hypocrite, then I get carte blanche. Remember when The Da Vinci Code came out a few years back and the Catholic Church was in full panic mode because there were a lot of inconsistencies between the Church’s story and what all the evidence around us said? Part of the panic included claiming that there was no Christian sect that practiced self-inflicted corporal punishment like the albino guy in the book. (Was he Opus Dei or something like that? I haven’t read the DVC since I read A&D because they’re the same goddamn book.) Well, it turns out that Pope John Paul II would practice self-inflicted corporal punishment as penance to bring him closer to Christian perfection. Now who does that sound like? It sounds like someone the Catholic Church says doesn’t really exist and sounds like something that the Catholic Church says doesn’t actually happen. What I love is that this story was dug up by the man who is supposed to be making a case for JP2 to become a saint. While penance is a principle of the Catholic Church (ever been to confession), this seems extreme based on what they’ve said in the past.

PETA
If your political affiliation is more on the common sense wing, you’ll love this story. An associate of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals hit the Canadian Minister of Fisheries in the face with a pie earlier this week. So how do the parliamentary opposition respond? One of their MPs suggested that the attack would make PETA a terrorist organization based on the definition in the Criminal Code of Canada. In Canada, a terrorist organization is a group that “disrupts lawful activities to commit an act for political, religious or ideological purposes, and that causes the public to be intimidated.” I would say interrupting the seal hunt and attacking elected officials would definitely fall under that definition bang on. It’s not like this is an isolated incident. PETA have been breaking the law for years but have only caused millions of dollars of damage and inconvenienced several thousand people. The thing is that we associate terrorist groups with mass murder. If you ignore the killing of terrorist groups (and that’s admittedly hard to do but humour me), how is PETA any different? They’ll tell you that they’re for the animals and all that but there has to be a defined order in nature. How are the Inuit hunting seals any different from polar bears hunting seals? How are people eating fried chicken from KFC any worse than wolves eating live chicken? It’s virtually the same end with different means. So I say let’s do it. Let’s ban PETA and go on with more sanity in their lives.

Apple iPad
The best joke I’ve read about this thing was the most subtle one. Top Gear Australia’s Steve Pizzatti asked on Twitter if the iPad was any good at absorbing blue liquid. That looks to be the only thing that would make it better than the iPod Touch. It just looks like six or so Touches stuck together to create a jumbo iPod Touch. Near as I can tell, it’s just a jumbo Touch. It does all of the same things but is six times the size and about twice the price. How the hell can this revolutionize anything. If it had Mac computer functionality at that size and about a $1000 price tag, then it would be one of the greatest things to happen to computing. As it is, it’s not even a computer. All this hype about the next great Apple thing was all for nought. We’re getting an iPod that’s too big to put in your pocket and not functional enough to get it any computing accessories or even a decent carrying bag like you would with a normal laptop. This could be the worst thing that’s happened to Apple since the 90s drought.

Toyota
For all their talk about perfecting the operation of their assembly lines and reducing costs through efficiencies, Toyota seems to have forgotten one tiny detail. They seem to have forgotten that how they build the cars aren’t as important as how the cars are built. That may sound like the same thing but it’s not. Toyota has recalled what seems like the majority of their cars over the past few months and now has ceased the production and sale of the majority of their models. So if you have or were looking to buy a Camry, Corolla, RAV4, Avalon, Matrix, Tundra, Highlander, or Sequoia, you’re shit out of luck for the next while. Or you’re SOL until Toyota can figure out why the throttle is sticking on most of their cars. To me, that’s not a manufacturing fault but a design fault with the car or a part of the throttle assembly. There’s the difference between the build of the car and how it’s built. But notice that the Prius wasn’t affected. Either Toyota was so busy trying to make their flagship car an engineering marvel or if a Prius’ throttle sticks, it’s so underpowered that no one would actually notice that the throttle is stuck. So while Toyota is pissing away hundreds of millions of dollars trying to fix a problem they’ve been working on for months, it’s good news for the Big Three. Well, mostly Ford. They’re the only American manufacturer whose quality rivals that of Toyota. Of course, Ford’s strengths aren’t based entirely on the application of ridiculously named Japanese principles such as kaijin or ginsu. No, Ford does their thing through such ridiculous concepts as build quality and handling. Maybe if Toyota spent half as much time designing their cars as they did designing their production process, they wouldn’t be in this mess.

UWO USC Presidential Election
Since we still sorta consider ourselves at UWO blog at heart, there will be a bit of coverage of the annual UWO Students’ Council Election. However, when it seems as though you’re being marginalized as a media outlet, it’s hard to come by good information about the candidates. (Granted, a couple are reaching out to us and it’s much appreciated.) Here’s what I know so far: 1) It’s a sausage fest. There are six candidates and they’re all guys. Granted, most candidates are men but it would have been nice to have a female alternative even if she wasn’t as good looking as Emily Rowe. 2) Emily Rowe had a great idea that everyone has ripped off. The status quo is the way to go this year. She had a viral video so everyone will try to duplicate it so they can win because of Fact Number 3. 3) This is a popularity contest. Everyone’s platform won’t mean shit because they’re all pipe dreams anyway thanks to the economy and the administration. (Seriously, how many election promises are kept in proper politics? Actually, the USC Prez probably keeps more promises than the PM.) In 2009, Rowe won because of her video and stunning looks. In 2008, Lecce won because The Gazette hyped him to demi-god status. The only non-popularity driven candidate that’s been elected in my time at UWO was 2007’s Tom Stevenson. Interestingly enough, he was the only president nice enough to grant me an interview. So if Emily Rowe is reading this, let’s set up an interview time. Email thelowdown@live.ca.

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