It’s time for the weirdest and wackiest stories from around the world. It’s time for the Not News of the Week.

Sometimes it takes a little help to keep a would-be crook down. In New Hampshire, it takes a little help from the produce section. A would-be thief tried to hold up a convenience store but was taken down from behind by a customer. When he later tried to escape while the store owner called the police, he was quickly brought down by a squash-wielding delivery man. The produce delivery product came in as the thief tried exiting and sacrificed his product in a shower of squash innards and seeds. That gives new meaning to cleanup in aisle three.

From a heroic use of a non-crime fighting object to the exact opposite. A woman in Illinois skipped out on her tab a restaurant which prompted the owner to have the police track her down. They found her more or less passed out on the ground just down the road from the restaurant. She said that she had the money to pay at home so the police took her there. When she got there, well, let’s just let the police report do the talking: “She walked into her bedroom. She said that her money was in her dresser drawer and she opened it and reached inside and removed a ‘clear, rigid feminine pleasure device’ and held it over her head and approached the officer in a threatening manner. The officer knocked the device out of the way prior to being struck and placed the woman under arrest.” I smell a FOX special coming up called “When Sex Toys Attack!”

The US’s war on drugs went to unusual places the other week. A tip led them to a massive marijuana bust. They found an underground tunnel that ran for 600 yards under the US-Mexico border from Tijuana to San Diego that contained almost 30 tons of pot. Authorities spotted a suspicious transport outside an office building. A search revealed 10 tons of marijuana inside. A search of the office building uncovered the drug tunnel which led to the other 20 tons of pot. Well, if they passed Proposition 19, this wouldn’t have been a problem.

Speaking of drugs, apparently the Dutch aren’t as open to drugs as we were led to believe. In an effort to cut down on the illegal growth of marijuana, Dutch authorities are handing out scratch-and-sniff cards that smell like pot so people know what a grow op would smell like if they live next to one. Police want people to be more aware of the potential of drug grow ops which are supplying the rest of Europe. Police have a rule of thumb that growing five plants or less is fine for personal use. That makes me wonder how many calls police will get from kids tattling on their parents’ stash.

The American legal system is often the butt of jokes because of all the frivolous lawsuits but here’s a joke that has nothing to do with money. A Florida man has filed restraining orders against President Barack Obama, Denver Broncos QB Tim Tebow and Jesus. In his restraining order against Tebow, the man wrote: “I was trespassed from the Kangaroo Gas Station on University for saying T-Bo sucks… I personally hate any type of exercise although I feel Billy Blanks has a wonderful video.” If you thought that didn’t make any sense, in all three petitions, the man accuses his target of the order of being a member of a gang or flashing gang signs at him. I’m sure that someone on Fox News thinks that this is proof that Obama should be bounced from office in 2012.