Not News of the Week

It’s that time of week again. It’s all the news that’s not fit for print. It’s the Not News of the Week. Today’s NN actually has a theme. It’s all about strange crime.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Kids are growing up faster these days. That’s especially true in Cincinnati. Two teenage girls are believed to be the perpetrators of a bank robbery last week. A 14-year-old and 12-year-old girl were captured by security cameras in the holdup. They didn’t appear to have any weapons but that didn’t stop them from threatening staff. Interestingly, the regional FBI office says that this is the first time that a minor has robbed a bank, let alone a girl. Meanwhile, Cincinnati police are stumped as to where the girls are. In other words, two teenagers are better bank robber than most of the professionals. Like I said, kids are growing up faster these days.

Whenever we do the Car Wall on the radio show or blog, you know that we love cars with power. Sadly, the Swiss don’t share our love of horsepower and speed. A Swiss man decided to stretch the legs on his Ferrari Testerosa but was dinged by the police. He was caught going 85 mph in a 50 mph zone. Unlike every other sane jurisdiction in the world, the Swiss base their fines on a driver’s wealth. So for going 35 mph over, this man will receive a $290,000 fine. While that’s completely outlandish, it’s good news for me. I figure that my fine for the same ticket couldn’t be any more than $100.

McDonalds related violence is one of the great epidemics in America. Recently, a woman wasn’t fond of the fact that Mickey D’s were out of McNuggets during the late night shift so she punched through the glass of the drive-thru window. The woman was charged with vandalism which added insult to injury. She had to be treated by paramedics at the restaurant for cuts. She was also ordered to not have contact or go to any McDonalds restaurant while out on bail. After suffering a trauma as great as not being able to get McNuggets, I wouldn’t go back to Mickey D’s voluntarily either.

If a drunk woman offers you a free lap dance, it’s always best to take her up on the offer. A woman in Belmont, California, offered her boyfriend a lap dance and strip show on New Year’s Eve. However, he turned her down because the woman’s 13-year-old son was also in the room with them. The boyfriend thought it was “inappropriate” for her to take her clothes off in front of her son. So she responded to his responsible thinking by breaking a guitar over his head. Apparently, in California, assault with a musical instrument could be worth 18 months. By the way, the Honky Tonk Man is planning on suing for gimmick infringement.

In another weird New Year’s Eve incident, a man has been charged with third degree robbery after a bizarre bus incident. A 22-year-old man has terrorized Portland mass transit by cutting and gluing women’s hair. Apparently cutting someone’s hair is theft under Oregon law instead of being assault. Apparently the man has three complaints filed against him in Portland and another in Washington. Of all the dastardly things to do. Really, how are overpriced hair stylists going to stay in business if someone is giving away haircuts for free?

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