Not News of the Week

It’s time for all the news that’s not fit for print. It’s time for the Not News of the Week.

Sometimes, it’s best to leave well enough alone. That’s not the case if you’re the owner of an Ottawa restaurant. The owner of Mambo Nuevo Latino was none too pleased that a customer gave her restaurant a negative review so she sent emails to the reviewer’s bosses and created an online dating profile. Both the emails and profile mentioned that the reviewer was into anything, including couples, threesomes and group sex. The email included the line: “Am especially into transsexuals and transgenders (being one myself ).” That’s one way to get back at online reviews. If it wasn’t libel, I’d suggest bloggers should try this with moronic commenters.

Kids grow up fast these days. A 13-year-old Texas girl stole her parents car to go on a thousand-mile road trip to meet her online boyfriend in Kentucky. The two met online while playing Call of Duty on the XBox and struck up a relationship. When the girl’s father took away her XBox, she decided the best way to communicate with her boyfriend was face-to-face. She made it all the way to Nashville before the police tracked her down and pulled her over. Her father was nice enough to drive her the final 130 miles to her destination. On the one hand, parents should really learn to keep an eye on their kids. On the other hand, she made it seven-eighths of the way to Kentucky on her own. That’s a good job and good effort.

Customer loyalty programs in North America typically feature discounts or buy X get one free. A car wash in Malaysia has a different way to keep customers coming back. The car wash in Kuala Lumpur had a program which allowed customers to earn free sex at a local brothel with their tenth car wash. The loyalty program was shut down after government officials raided the brothel to shut it down. To make matters weirder, this brothel was racist. They only allowed Chinese customers. That sort of loyalty program doesn’t do much to open you up to new customers.

You’ve heard the story of the woman in the bar drugging a man and stealing his kidney. This is the Florida equivalent. A man and his friend picked up two women at a bar and brought them home for post-bar activities. The women left afterwards but not before one asked for some money. Later on, the man got a call from his new friend to meet her at a convenience store but found her friend instead. He gave this woman a ride home and they started having sex in the car on the way. That didn’t last long because the woman pulled a revolver on him and tried to rob him. I say tried because the would-be victim lost control of his car and crashed it into a tree. It wasn’t quite getting taken for a kidney by a woman from the bar but it’s pretty close.

If you get stranded at sea for four months, you would think that seeing a shark would mean imminent death. However, a Kiribati policeman stuck at sea claims a shark saved him. He was stranded after spending a night at sea and running out of fuel. He was able to keep from dehydrating by drinking rain water. Last week, he says that he was alerted to the presence of a nearby boat by a shark who rammed his boat and swam toward the other boat to guide him there. If you ask me, the man clearly went insane on the boat and is imagining saviour sharks.

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