Not News of the Week

If it’s not worth talking about, then it must be the Not News of the Week.

Mountain Dew recently launched a poll to name a new apple-flavoured Mountain Dew. What could possibly go wrong? Enter 4chan. They caught wind of the contest and had their trademark fun. They spammed the poll to get such unusable names as Fapple,” “Gushing Granny,” “Diabeetus” and “Hitler did nothing wrong” to the top of the charts. They also hacked the site to display a banner reading “Mtn Dew salutes the Israeli Mossad for demolishing 3 towers on 9/11!” and added a pop-up which Rickrolled people. This is what happens when the marketing department is too lazy to name a new drink and leaves it to the internet. After all, we did rig a contest to send Pitbull to Alaska.

In other food-ish news, Cinnabon is expanding beyond their famous cinnamon buns and adding a entrée to their menu in the form of the Pizzabon. The Pizzabon is a minibon covered with cheese, pepperoni and tomato sauce. A writer at Serious Eats was brave enough to try one and said it wasn’t terrible but very greasy. I think that’s about all you can ever expect from fast food pizza, after all.

One of these days, we will have enough Kim Kardashian stories to do an entire post of Kim Kardashian not news stories. Today, we’ll have to settle for only one. Porn star Julian St. Cox says that he had a threeway with Kim K and another woman at a swingers party. Kim wasn’t talked into this by St. Cox but his date, porn star Emily Ann. This allegedly happened in 2001 when Kim was 20-years-old. Naturally, the Kardashian Kamp is denying the story. Given how long ago it happened and that no sex tape was made, I’m not surprised by the denial since no money can be made off the story.

Scandal has rocked the Division 3 US National Scrabble Championship. Yes, that exists. The player, who was only identified as being under 18 years of age, was caught holding onto blank letter tiles from his previous games in the competition and using them in other games. Each 100 tile bag for each game contains two black tiles. Division 3 is the equivalent to high-level home players rather than professional Scrabble geniuses. This is apparently the first case of cheating in the history of national championship. I guess even the good players need to cheat to win.

Since I usually run five stories in these Not News posts, I’ve been forced to go with this final one. A man driving a car in St. Paul gave onlookers quite a show as he had oral sex in a car. However, he wasn’t performing it on another person. Instead, he was going to town on a dildo. When police arrested the man, they found the dildo, several pairs of women’s panties strewn about his car, including hanging off the rear-view mirror and the gear lever. When they patted the man down, they also felt something vibrating in the man’s “waistline area.” The police were so disturbed by what they found vibrating in the man’s waistline area, they removed it, put it in an evidence bag and let the batteries run out on it rather than touch it more than they have to. Somehow, I can’t blame them.

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