Not News of the Week

It’s time for all the news that’s not fit for print. It’s time for the Not News of the Week.

A California man claims that he’s had an erection for the last 20 months and it’s because of his BMW motorcycle. Apparently, it’s nothing untoward on his part. He claims his erection problem started after a four-hour cruise and has had one ever since. (If this man is having a mid-life crisis [a safe assumption considering he’s riding a motorbike], he should consider himself lucky that he isn’t having issues with ED.) BMW is defending itself from the man’s lawsuit by saying that the man is using an after-market seat which means it can’t be BMW’s fault. My question is if Viagra says you should consult a doctor for erections lasting longer than four hours, why was this guy’s first visit to his lawyer instead of his doctor?

If you’re underage and using a fake ID to get into the bar, don’t use the bouncer’s. A 19-year-old University of Iowa student flashed his fake ID to get into a bar only for the bouncer to realize that he was looking at his own stolen driver’s licence. The bouncer was also able to recover his stolen AAA and debit cards from the kid. And that’s why you always use an older sibling’s old ID.

Believing everything you see in a “documentary” may not turn out so well for you. Just ask a woman who died after trying a sunlight-only diet. She watched the film In the Beginning There Was Light about an Indian yogi who claimed to have lived for 70 years without food or water. The woman tried the diet once before an intervention. She resumed a few weeks later only to die of starvation. Interestingly, she died during winter when sunlight hours are the fewest. Maybe timing was her problem… No, it was a bad idea.

It turns out that we’re a pretty stuck-up society. A six-year-old was suspended from school for three days for singing a line from LMFAO’s “Sexy And I Know It” in the presence of a girl. The kid wasn’t suspended for reciting LMFAO (which should have been the punishable offense) but for sexual harassment. The incident occurred in line in the cafeteria at lunch. The school is considering reducing the charge to just harassment. They all seem to be missing the point. At six, boys still think girls are icky and have cooties. But asking teachers to think might be asking too much.

A Florida man decided that the best way to destroy any evidence of having child pornography on his hard drive was to stab his computer with a samurai sword while FBI agents wer in his house. Ironically, that same samurai sword allowed him to save his mother’s life the month before. Unfortunately for the hero-turned-scumbag, he stabbed the wrong part of his computer and missed the hard drive so all the evidence remained intact. Well, I suppose if you life by the sword, you die by the sword.

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