Every year, I like to play the unique role of outside insider slash prognosticator slash comedian with my annual ridiculous predictions series of posts. This time out, I’m making my ridiculous predictions for the NHL Trade Deadline. After all, when experts and reporters talk about deals at the trade deadline, they always think that teams will make deals that make sense for all involved. In reality, the NHL doesn’t work that way. Players have no-trade clauses in their contracts and some GMs have no sense whatsoever. So let’s take a fun look at this year’s NHL trade deadline.

Rick Nash: Traded to the Toronto Maple Leafs
I thought that Nash would’ve gone to Los Angeles but I guess the price for Carter was better in terms of cap hit and trade value. So who wants Nash enough to overpay for him? With Carter off the market, Toronto is most likely to go nuts for Rick Nash. Sure the Leafs need a goaltender who can stop a beachball but the best defence is a good offence. That’s why Burkie went after Kessel and tried to get Richards this summer and was rumoured to be in on Carter until he went to the City of Angels. The question would be how long until the Toronto media will steal my Rick Nash line of “Rick Nash, bitch!”

Ales Hemsky: Traded to the Anaheim Ducks
Face it, Ducks fan (i.e. Jackie), your team is slowly but surely turning into Edmonton South. After all, who else but a confused franchise would sign the likes of Cogliano and trade back for an aging Francois Beauchemin. That and you guys originally had Penner before the Edmonton disaster. So trading for Hemsky is perfectly within character for you guys. Of course, if the Oilers smarten up and trade Gagner, you might send half the franchise back over to get him. And, something, something, something hot streak. Something, something, something compete.

Nikolai Khabibulin: Not Traded
So who wants an aging goaltender whose best days are long since behind him and a DUI conviction under his belt? The Cincinnatti Bengals said they could help but Steve Tambellini had to be physically restrained from trading his goalie for a practice squad offensive tackle who couldn’t skate. So with no one else willing to deprive the Oilers of their chances at another lottery pick, the Bulin Wall stands tall (or some reasonable facsimile thereof) in Edmonton for a few months more.

Mike Knuble: Traded to the St. Louis Blues
Speaking of teams with a consistent modus operandi (that’s Latin for M.O.), the Blues like to use the deadline to add “veteran leadership.” That’s hockey insider speak for large bodies with back legs/backs who lumber in front of the net and pick up the scraps. Based on that description, I’m surprised Ken Holland isn’t trying to get Knuble to Detroit. Anyway, Knuble wants out of Washington because he doesn’t want to skate like Hunter expected his boys in the juniors to. Or maybe it has to do with not getting enough ice time on a team that’s making a run at the Cup. I can’t really blame Knuble. If I was a role player on a team that has been consistently near the top of the league since Alex Ovechkin showed up, I’d want out too.

Dustin Penner: Signed by Jenny Craig
Everyone says he’s fat. Or that he doesn’t put any effort into his play. The irony of all this is that he puts so much effort into eating pancakes that he misses games due to back injuries. So in order to help DP out with his problems, the Kings have offered him around to various gyms and diet programs for help. Only Jenny Craig, who we were able to help out Jason Alexander, were willing to sign up Penner. And they made the Kings foot the bill.