The Best of Texts From Last Night (Part 6)

It’s been a few months since we’ve done a best of look at the original website that we featured in our best of the interweb series, TextsFromLastNight.com. Well, the fun and partying never ends so neither do the stories. So in our latest installment of the best of the interweb, here are more quick stories about drugs, alcohol, debauchery and sometimes all of the above.

(All texts contained in this post should be considered sic’d.)

Crashed the mayor’s bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

When u wake up, don’t be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they’re cool. Muchos gracias

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

Person 1: Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Person 2: Vomiting outside the employee entrance

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn’t been drinking.

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she’s going…

We’re the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE

Person 1: i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
Person 2: do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I’ll lysol it after

Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.

she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as “bathroom blowjob”

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn’t mind.

I mean… It’s a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I’m helping them both

His little brother just walked in, asked me if I’d blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

we’ve been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i’m going to give him a blow job. it’s that kind of love

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I’m in love.

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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