I’ve never been much of a bracketologist (as anyone that’s ever taken my money in a March Madness pool will confirm) but I feel compelled to give it a go for this. Somebody has put together a Name of the Year bracket and it’s sweeping the internet. But with all the talk about it, I haven’t actually seen anyone go through the bracket matchup by matchup to predict who will take home the top name of 2011. After all, if people can go this crazy over 68 college basketball teams, why not over 64 crazy names?
#1 Monquarius Mungo vs. #16 Chelsea Poppins
Analysis: No contest here.
Winner: #1 Monquarius Mungo
#8 Widgett Washington vs. #9 Rockwell Bonecutter
Analysis: Eights versus nines are always tough calls and I think they could be the toughest of the four in the first round. The first names are good but Bonecutter has to top Washington easily.
Winner: #9 Rockwell Bonecutter
#5 Silverberry Mouhon vs. #12 Leviticus Payne
Analysis: First instinct here is to bring the Payne but Silverberry has appeal beyond the religious demographic that Leviticus has going for it. That and have ever heard of a “Silverberry” before?
Winner: #5 Silverberry Mouhon
#4 Mercedes Bunz vs. #13 Col. Many-Bears Grinder
Analysis: Mercedes Bunz sounds more like a porn star name than a Mercedes-Benz pun (though it still is). However, Many-Bears Grinder works in ways that Bunz can’t. This one’s an upset special.
Winner: #13 Col. Many-Bears Grinder
#3 Joe Shortsleeve vs. #14 Tuesday Muse
Analysis: Shortsleeve has an easy draw here. Through without a challenge.
Winner: #3 Joe Shortsleeve
#6 Ebenezer Noonoo vs. #11 Cassanova McKinzy
Analysis: Another toss-up which comes down to the novelty of the first names. The Dickens name against the… Mystery Men name? Remember that movie? I quite liked it so the 11 seed goes through. I never said I was using sound logic for my predictions.
Winner: #11 Cassanova McKinzy
#7 Mississippi Winn vs. #10 Orion Blizzard
Analysis: Winn is a winning name. Orion Blizzard could put up a good fight in just about any other matchup but here he’s overmatched.
Winner: #7 Mississippi Winn
#2 Courvoisier Winetavius Richardson vs. #15 Shalom Dreampeace Compost
Analysis: And this is your name on drugs. The question is whether real words can top made up words in this matchup. I give the nod to novelty but there is definite upset potential in this battle.
Winner: #2 Courvoisier Winetavius Richardson
#1 Atticus Disney vs. #16 Tally Hair
Analysis: When I hear “Atticus,” I don’t think about To Kill a Mockingbird. I immediately associate it with Gregory Peck. Gregory Peck always wins.
Winner: #1 Atticus Disney
#8 Chuntania Dangerfield vs. #9 Crusoe Gongbay
Analysis: This one is another close eight versus nine battle. It’s a bit more clear-cut than the Bulltron region’s in my opinion. Dangerfield may be a legendary name but Gongbay is funny enough to take the win here.
Winner: #9 Crusoe Gongbay
#5 Flamur Kastrati vs. #12 Quadrophenia Taylor
Analysis: Two made up first names make this one a tough call at first glance. However, “Kastrati” is the x-factor that pulls the #5 seed over Taylor.
Winner: #5 Flamur Kastrati
#4 Delorean Blow vs. #13 Basil Smotherman Jr.
Analysis: Another #4 seed with a porn star’s name. There’s something classic sounding about the name Basil Smotherman but it falls apart on “Junior.” If he was Basil Smotherman III, it’s an easy upset. However, this one goes to Blow.
Winner: #4 Delorean Blow
#3 Lola Porch vs. #14 A’Trey-U Jones
Analysis: This #3 seed has a tough go here. A’Trey-U is the sort of name that is novel enough to carry him (I’m assuming it’s a man) to the Elite Eight. Lola Porch does have the advantage of rolling off the tongue smoothly. I’ll go chalk on this matchup but there’s definite upset potential here.
Winner: #3 Lola Porch
#6 Sanmorteeno Battle vs. #11 Solo Alone
Analysis: Epicness versus… irony? Solo Alone as a whole name seems like a deliberate joke as opposed to poor judgement like some of the other names in the bracket. It’s like Solo’s parents wanted Solo on this bracket. Too convenient a name to win.
Winner: #6 Sanmorteeno Battle
#7 Lekeebrion Jackson vs. #10 Shahking Gomez
Analysis: Of all the matchups in this region, this one is the hardest to call. I’m not sure how to pronounce either first name so I’ll give it to the last name of Gomez over Jackson/
Winner: #10 Shahking Gomez
#2 John Dough vs. #15 Yolanda Supersad
Analysis: Just say “John Dough.” You don’t need to question who will come out on top here.
Winner: #2 John Dough
#1 Stonegarden Grindlife vs. #16 Moe Lester
Analysis: Grindlife has the toughest one versus sixteen battle. Moe Lester is a great name but Stonegarden should be novel enough to overcome an unfortunate name.
Winner: #1 Stonegarden Grindlife
#8 RexAchilles Imperial vs. #9 Drungo Hazewood
Analysis: The easiest of the 8/9 matchups to call. Imperial should take this one comfortably.
Winner: #8 RexAchilles Imperial
#5 Vernon Lee Bad Marriage Jr. vs. #12 Monty Hardware
Analysis: I don’t think there are many men who wouldn’t vote for Bad Marriage Jr. in this one. After all, at least half of all marriages end in divorce.
Winner: #5 Vernon Lee Bad Marriage Jr.
#4 I’Tavius Mathers vs. #13 Draco Slaughter
Analysis: It’s a battle of a first name against a last name. I’Tavius vs. Slaughter. As unique a name as I’Tavius is, there’s no way you can be by a last name light Slaughter. Here’s your upset special for this region.
Winner: #13 Draco Slaughter
#3 Philander Moore vs. #14 Dr. Loveday Conquest
Analysis: This is definitely a pick ’em game. I couldn’t tell you who will come out on top here with any degree of certainty. However, I’ve got a feeling that this matchup could end up with a lovely day for Loveday… I’ll stop the Jim Nantz puns.
Winner: #14 Dr. Loveday Conquest
#6 Ulysses Castro vs. #11 Monsterville Horton IV
Analysis: Wait. There were three other Monsterville Hortons before this one? That’s an epic family legacy.
Winner: #11 Monsterville Horton IV
#7 Rev. Demon Sox vs. #10 Tore Vikingstad
Analysis: Remember when I said earlier that I wasn’t using much science in this bracket? I won’t here. A reverend named Demon should win but I’ll take the Norwegian hockey player.
Winner: #10 Tore Vikingstad
#2 Taco B.M. Monster vs. #15 Commie Spead
Analysis: There’s a lot of hype around Monster. Taco sounds like Final Four material right now and winning it all is well within reach. No problems in the Round of 64.
Winner: #2 Taco B.M. Monster
#1 La’Peaches Pitts vs. #16 Cruise Citation Mangle
Analysis: La’Peaches Pitts works as a whole name. Cruise Citation Mangle is a random collection of words. Easy win for the #1 seed.
Winner: #1 La’Peaches Pitts
#8 Margarita Villa vs. #9 Vivacious Crews
Analysis: This is another very close 8/9 battle. I wish I had more insightful analysis than saying that for every single matchup but it’s a name bracket. How do you analyze this?
Winner: #9 Vivacious Crews
#5 Quinta Funderburk vs. #12 Orel Oral
Analysis: What is it about 5/12 battles that give us so much potential for upsets? Orel Oral got a hype boost from SI’s Hot Clicks so I’ll give this one to the #12 seed.
Winner: #12 Orel Oral
#4 Yu Arafuka vs. #13 Neptune Pringle III
Analysis: Any name with a number behind it should be a top half of the bracket seed. Unfortunately for Neptune, that wouldn’t have helped here. Say Yu Arafuka fast enough and you have a #4 seed with Elite Eight potential.
Winner: #4 Yu Arafuka
#3 Spartacus Chino vs. #14 Heidi Hohl
Analysis: Anybody but Spartacus and I’d give this one to Heidi. Sometimes the draw can be a cruel mistress.
Winner: #3 Spartacus Chino
#6 Happy Kumar vs. #11 Delector Durley Jr.
Analysis: Another easy Round of 64 matchup.
Winner: #6 Happy Kumar
#7 Jadeveon Clowney vs. #10 Charlie Soap
Analysis: If the guy’s last name was Estevez, he’d have a better chance than with Soap. Clowney drops the Soap on this one… Wait, that didn’t come out right!
Winner: #7 Jadeveon Clowney
#2 Madz Negro vs. #15 Judy Graham Swallows
Analysis: Have to go with Madz here. If #15 was Heather Graham Swallows or something with a famous person followed by Swallows, it would be a guaranteed winner.
Winner: #2 Madz Negro
That’s the first 32 head-to-head matchups. There are 31 more matchups to go before crowning the 2011 Name of the Year. We break down the second half of the tournament in Part 2.
Legal-ish Disclaimer: This post is presented for entertainment purposes only. I don’t think you can bet on the outcome of this bracket. If you can and are betting on this, you have bigger problems than just think my advice is sound.