Inexplicable Celebrity Hookups

As Valentine’s Day nears, now is a good time to remember that playing out of your league is an inexplicably common occurrence. Despite how often that happens, when a guy lands an impossibly hot woman, I’d still call that a statistical outlier in the grand scheme of life. However, there are many examples of the supermodel or Maxim Hot 100 topper ended up with an ugly or otherwise ordinary guy. So here are some examples of odd celebrity couples and a reminder that it is possible to land a supermodel. It’s just extremely unlikely.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand
I’ve never really understood how Russell Brand ever got famous. Sure, he’s funny but I’ve seen homeless people who look more presentable than him. Katy Perry might be the flavour of the month but she’s not exactly unattractive. But the kicker is that she’s a proper Christian-type and he’s a noted sex addict. You would think that they would be such polar opposite personalities (besides being opposites on the looks scale) that this would never work but I guess that’s why it’s inexplicable.

Adriana Lima and Marko Jaric
If ever Disney wanted to make a live-action version of Beauty and the Beast, they could save on the make-up and costuming budget by casting Marko Jaric in the titular role of The Beast. I’m not sure I’d call him the ugliest guy in the world but he’s definitely one of the oddest looking. And Adriana Lima is Adriana Lima. She could quite literally get her hands on any man she wanted. If those hottest women lists were to factor in some level of consistency into the rankings instead of just flavour of the month-ness, Adriana would top damn well near every list. To say that Jaric outkicked his coverage by a greater margin than any other man in the history of the world would not the inaccurate in the slightest.

Heidi Klum and Seal
On the fame scale, they’re actually not too far apart. Heidi is one of the all-time supermodels and Seal has one #1 hit in the US over his 20 years in the industry. However, Seal’s face is fairly beaten up. Granted, Wikipedia says that his face is scarred because of a form of Lupus but it’s still scarred. I’m not an animal person but a proper seal is likely to be considered cuter than Seal. I’m assuming that relentless serenading got him the girl. Mind you, Heidi has a track record of inexplicable hookups. Before Seal, she dated F1 boss Flavio Briatore. She has a thing for unattractive guys.

Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson
Jessica Simpson apparently has this thing for football players. First it was Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. That was understandable. Now, she’s engaged to Eric Johnson, a tight end who played five seasons (four with the 49ers) and amassed a whopping nine touchdowns. Even the most hardcore of San Francisco fans would struggle to remember who he was. How Jessica Simpson could go from dating the highest profile QB in the NFL to a washout and be happy with it, I’m not sure she even knows. It’s even more amazing if you believe the tabloid reports that paint Johnson as a gold digger having so much money that Jessica had to pay for her own engagement ring.

Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin
Did you know that Macaulay Culkin is 30? There’s something else that makes me feel old. Anyway, they met in 2002 when Culkin hadn’t been in a movie for eight years while Kunis was at the height of her That 70s Show fame and just beginning her movie career. They were basically headed in two opposite directions in their lives with Culkin having vanished off the face of the earth while Kunis’s star was rising at an exponentially fast rate. Just the levels of fame make this inexplicable. Add in that she’s now one of Hollywood’s hottest starlets and recent pictures of Culkin look like his eyes are constantly glazed over and you have a definite inexplicable celebrity hookup.

Sandra Bullock and Jesse James
So America’s sweetheart (if you exclude Jennifer Aniston which I do because she’s made her mint off that designation) marries a TV host and custom bike builder. She’s a petite, classy woman while he’s a tattooed gearhead whose previous ex-wife was a tattooed porn star. Match made in heaven right? Until Jesse met Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, a tattooed “model.” Now, he’s engaged to Kat Von D, a tattooed tattoo artist. Does anyone else see the pattern? He likes his women a certain way and classy, clean living women don’t seem to be his type. This one was a proper head scratcher the whole way through.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green
There’s a rule of thumb for how young a person you can date that I’m fond of. It’s your age divided by two plus seven. Brian Austin Green was 30 when he met and started dating Megan Fox, 18 at the time. Now, use my formula and you’ll see that BAG’s lower age limit was 22 (30 ÷ 2 + 7). Even now that Green is 37, his lower limit is 25.5. Fox is 24. In three years (when BAG is 40 and Fox is 27), the math starts to work. And not to keep it coming back to looks but she’s Megan Fox and he’s definitely not Brad Pitt.

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise
Here’s another couple that you can apply this rule to. When they got married, Tom was 44 and Katie was 28. Running the calculation, you can see that Katie is too young for Tom (44 ÷ 2 + 7 = 29). Sure, it’s only by one year and when she turned 30, the rule would allow them to hookup. What really doesn’t make sense here is the religious aspect. Katie was born and raised a Catholic. Tom had been a Scientologist since 1990. I’m not a fan of any organized religion but I know enough about them to know that those belief systems aren’t compatible. That and the fact that Tom often acts as though he is batshit crazy makes this one hard to explain.

Madonna and Alex Rodriguez
Now, the inverse of the rule isn’t one that we talk about very much because of what we call the gold digger rule. So does that mean I have to give baseball’s highest paid player a pass for dating Madonna? No. In 2008, the pair were dating when she was 50 and he was 33. Dating someone 17 years older than you is just wrong when you’re a highly paid baseball superstar. Though if you apply the above formula Madonna can’t date A-Rod (50 ÷ 2 + 7 = 32) but A-Rod can date Madonna (33 – 7 x 2 = 52). Just an odd mathematical anomaly with the formula. Still, this is just one hookup that you can’t help but shake your head and laugh at.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
In this post, you may have noticed that there are a lot of recent or still ongoing relationships on this list. Then I remembered this old hookup that single-handedly destroyed a career. When they met, Britney Spears was on top of the world to put it simply. K-Fed was a backup dancer who left his pregnant girlfriend. No one could really explain their marriage but I think the breakup was fairly self-explanatory. In hindsight, it’s funny to think that now people would consider FedEx the more fit parent of the two. Just one more inexplicable part of this hookup.

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