Not News of the Week

It’s time for all the news that’s not fit for print. It’s time for the Not News of the Week.

Some people just have no idea when they’re too old to go trick or treating on Halloween. In Maryland, a 47-year-old man decided that he would go trick or treating this year in a diaper. It was weird but not illegal. What drew the attention of the police was the fact that the world’s biggest baby was drunk and screaming profanities at everyone in earshot. That was enough to earn him and drunk and disorderly charge. If he’s smart, his defense will be that he was only trying to scare people for Halloween.

The one scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off that I want to recreate is when the parking lot valet goes for a joy ride in the Ferrari 250 GT California Spyder. Sadly, I haven’t had the chance. A valet at Vancouver International Airport did the next best thing when he took a Mercedes-Benz SL65 AMG for a joy ride. The only problem was that his joy ride didn’t end when at the parking lot but rather when he spun the car into the trees. The damage was covered by insurance but the valet was still taken to court by the owner for emotional distress. He wasn’t awarded any money for that. Maybe he should have kicked in the grille and sent it backwards into a ravine.

Domino’s Pizza in Japan has a pretty unique promotion to celebrate its 25th anniversary. They’re giving away a part-time job. However, because it’s supposed to be a contest with a prize, it’s only one hour’s work they’re giving away. But that hour is worth 2.5 million yen ($31,000 CAD). For comparison, the average hourly part-time wage in Japan is 1,000 yen. So Domino’s is giving you a fair amount of change. Too bad that you actually have to work for your free money.

If you’re a high school student in Park City, Utah, then you’re more harshly dealt with than drunk drivers. In order to get into dances for Park City High School, students have to take a breathalyzer test before they are permitted entry. This is a change in tune from the 80s when Park City High would have volunteer chauffeur students to and from dances because underage drinking was an accepted fact of high school student life. Of course, they’re doing something about it now. I’m not sure what the Mormons think about drinking but I’m sure that this policy change has something to do with that.

And let’s close this edition of the Not News with our first ever story presented in YouTube. Only in America can you be suspended from school for farting and giggling at it.

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