It’s time for our second dose of the weekly Lowdown power rankings of NHL teams. We’ve got a new team atop the rankings because the Caps forgot how to score and save. The Central Division isn’t on top but they control the Top Ten. And the Leafs are who we thought they were. It really is a good week to be objectively rating hockey teams against each other.

#1 Pittsburgh Penguins (Last Week #4)
What was with the whole water pouring thing that happened at the Pens’ and Leafs’ home openers. Actually, the Pens I get (even if they probably just poured tap water onto the new rink. The Leafs made no sense. What’s the point of pouring “water collected from across Canada” on to the ACC’s ice? Another MLSE reminder that we’re worth more money than you and our TV deal reflects it? Fortunately, karma is catching up to them.

#2 Detroit Red Wings (LW #2)
Thanks to the salary cap, they’re the team that screwed themselves over the least heading into this season. There’s a hell of a reason to be considered to be at the top of the Western Conference heading into the season. Ever wonder if Dale Tallon wasn’t as smart as we thought? He puts together a championship team but it self destructs within minutes of winning the Cup. Live by the sword, die by the sword, I guess.

#3 Los Angeles Kings (LW #3)
I know they aren’t this high in the actual standings but as a division leader, they get one of the top three seeds in the West. Since the only teams above them are from the Central Division, they get to be the second ranked team from the West in the power rankings. Make sense? About as much as everything else this season if you ask me.

#4 Chicago Blackhawks (LW #6)
Now that I think about it, I don’t know why I have the Hawks this high up the rankings. They’re only one game above .500 but playing more games than the rest of the league will skew you toward the top of the points. And Hossa’s cooled off from Top of the Pops to a point-per-game player. This doesn’t bode well for everyone else’s playoff run. The better he plays now, the worse he closes.

#5 Tampa Bay (LW #7)
Welcome to the Steve Stamkos show. Regardless of how you think that Barrie, Koules and Melrose handled Stamkos’ rookie season, it seems to have paid off for the last couple of years. His rookie struggles gave way to an all-star second season in the NHL and an inside track on the Hart Trophy early on this season.

#6 Boston Bruins (LW #14)
Boston has destroyed Richard Petty. Well, not the Bruins but they’re from the douche-tastic city of Boston so they’re having their power rankings space taken up with this. Sure, George Gillett is a moron and doesn’t deserve to own any sports franchises but with the Red Sox/Fenway folks buying Liverpool, there’s not enough money for Gillett to run his NASCAR team which bares the name of NASCAR legend Richard Petty. The Pettys have been involved with NASCAR since the first Sprint Cup (then Strictly Stock) race in 1949. Fuck Boston for allowing more start-and-park posers to run the Sprint Cup Series.

#7 Nashville Predators (LW #5)
They’ve dropped down the power rankings through no fault of their own. The Preds are a pretty good team at this point of the season.  Of course, who knows if that’ll actually last but I did predict that they’d be in the run for a playoff spot at season’s end. And has Pierre McGuire called Anders Lindback a monster yet? Lindback is 6’6″ and a goalie. That would qualify as “monster” by anyone’s criteria.

#8 Washington Capitals (LW #1)
After Sunday’s games, here are some of the players that have the same number of points (8) as Alex Ovechkin: Clarke MacArthur, Andrew Ladd, Daniel Alfredsson, Kris Letang, P.A. Parenteau, James “Suck a Cock, Avery” Wisniewski, Nick Lidstrom, and T.J. Oshie. Sure, Ovi’s at a point-per-game but look who’s at the same mark. Not so impressive when you put it this way.

#9 New York Islanders (LW #15)
Rick DiPietro will go down as the second biggest bust in NHL and Islander history. Dwayne Roloson is putting up Vezina numbers in leading the Islanders to the front of the Atlantic Division. DiPietro, meanwhile, is putting up far less than Yashin numbers in terms of robbing Charles Wang and still isn’t as bad a #1 pick as Alex Daigle. And, somehow, I don’t think anyone’s angry that Wang’s on the hook for those contracts.

#10 St. Louis Blues (LW #8)
It looks like I didn’t overrate them too much last week. I just wanted them above the Habs in the rankings for the sake of having Halak ahead of Price. This week, they played their way well above the Habs. Coming into the season, I was expecting the Central Division to be Detroit out front with Chicago and Nashville scrapping for a playoff spot down in that 6-7-8 range. Now, St. Louis has thrown themselves into the mix. Could we have four teams from the Central in the playoffs?

#11 Dallas Stars (LW #16)
They’re the best team in the shootout so far. They’ve won two of their five games in the one-on-one showdown. I’m really hoping that somebody tweaks overtime to reduce the number of shootouts played. I’ve read that Ken Holland (Detroit’s GM) wants to do four minutes of 4-on-4 and four minutes of 3-on-3 before a shootout. Conveniently enough, that’s exactly what Jackie and I want. Though, I’d prefer five and five with a five-man shootout.

#12 Colorado Avalanche (LW #10)
Chris Stewart has to be the underrated fantasy player of the season. He get points, most of which are goals. He likes to drop the gloves on occasion as well. There’s a perfect fantasy player. Goal, PIM and +/-. Well, shots on goal help too, I suppose. And is it just me or to your weekly +/- totals always seem to be a minus. Haven’t had a team or played a team that’s been on the plus side this season.

#13 Montreal Canadiens (LW #9)
On TSN the other day, Damien Cox said that the Habs won the Jaro Halak trade because Cary Price is playing well right now and he’s starting to win over fans in Montreal. So the loser of the Jose Bautista column was who exactly Damien? Heading into Tuesday’s games, Price had a 2.25 GAA and .918 save percentage. They’re impressive numbers but not championship winning numbers. Jaro Halak, though, is pulling 1.91 and .929 at the same time. So who won that trade? That’s why you’re down here, Habs.

#14 Anaheim Ducks (LW #13)
The Raiders scored 59 points this week against the Broncos. What is wrong with this world when the Raiders can put up that many points. The undead corpse of Al Davis compels them to succeed lest their brains are eaten before the next week’s game. That’s as good a reason as any to play well. I wonder if that’s how Randy Carlyle got his boys to shape up before he was shipped out.

#15 Philadelphia Flyers (LW #11)
Ryan Howard struck out 12 times in 22 at-bats in the NLCS. The only thing worse for him could be striking out looking to end the series. Now he’s responsible for the lowest rated World Series ever, I would assume. Well, him and Charlie Manuel who couldn’t find a situation that he couldn’t mismanage. Especially his bullpen. This has to be the worst Philadelphia sports performance since Jeff Carter (allegedly) fucked Hartnell’s wife.

#16 Vancouver Canucks (LW #12)
Heading into this season, all the fantasy prognosticators said that Henrik was the superior Sedin brother and out get anywhere from five to ten points more than Daniel. Naturally, Danny has one more point than Hank so far. As I said at my fantasy draft last year “I’ll take the Sedin that’s still available. They’re the same guy so it’ll be the same points no matter which I end up with.” And I would have been right if it wasn’t for Dan’s injury. I ended up with Hank, by the way.

#17 Toronto Maple Leafs (LW #17)
I don’t care where they are in the standings, it’s only three weeks into the season. I’m convinced that the Leafs are who we thought they would be. It might take until the New Year for early season streaks to fall back into line. Right now the Leafs are a statistical outlier. Over time, these things tend to settle themselves down and fall back into line with the rest of the data. Falling back into line for a rebuilding team without top six forwards and defensive defensemen is out of the playoffs.

#18 Calgary Flames (LW #27)
Hallow’een is this weekend. I hate Halloween. All these little shits come around to take my candy. Do they know how much it costs to buy those pathetically undersized chocolate bars? I swear that the price of miniature candies have doubled in the last five years. To hell with fixing taxes and local services, my municipal government has to cut candy prices… Then the cost of gym memberships when I need to hit the gym after Christmas dinner.

#19 Carolina Hurricanes (LW #24)
Remember when folks thought Cam Ward was going to make the Olympic hockey team earlier in the year. Now, he has a 2.78 GAA with an equally impressive 2.69 last year. For the record, I had Fleury pegged as the #3 goalie from the start. I’m surprised that one playoff run was more impressive than Fleury’s two and carrying them past the Wings. What the Canes need, besides goal scoring, is Arutrs Irbe. He’s the goalie coach in Washington but maybe they’d agree to a trade within their division.

#20 Atlanta Thrashers (LW #21)
Ondrej Pavelic is back from his inexplicable fainting spell in the season opener. I don’t know who should be more worried about the “he seems to be okay” diagnosis: Pavelic, the Thrashers, or the NHL. It’s bad enough that you have a player inexplicable pass out in the middle of a game but for there to be no explanation has to raise red flags. Maybe, just maybe, the league can suspend him for medical reasons until there’s a satisfactory reason. Nah, that would just keep the league out of the headlines for too long.

#21 Minnesota Wild (LW #29)
The Wild are on the up tick. Some of that might have to do with playing a Vancouver team with trouble keeping their emotions in check. Some of that might also have to do with a state that has to be getting sick the drama that is Brett Favre’s life. It’s amazing how well taking the pressure off an athlete works. In this case, the Wild aren’t playing with any expectations from the home fans and things are starting to look up. Not playoff up but it sure could be worse.

#22 New York Rangers (LW #26)
I regret ranking the Rangers this high. Gus Johnson was let go from his job as the Knicks’ radio play-by-play man by MSG. It’s Gus “RISE AND FIRE” Johnson (or any other Gus-ism that he has SCREAMED over the years). Seriously, is there a play-by-play guy that loves his job and over-the-top persona as much as Gus. This man should be CBS’ number one football and basketball guy. The men’s basketball championship would be so much better with Gus on the call than golf’s Jim Nantz.

#23 Phoenix Coyotes (LW #23)
I’m trying to think of something to write about the Yotes but it’s just not happening. They’re so wonderfully dull, bland and forgetful this season that I can’t think of anything. Maybe when they’re sold and the new owner threatens to move them, we’ll have something to talk about here. They’re a .500 squad and that’s no more than you could possibly expect out of them even taking last season into account.

#24 Ottawa Senators (LW #28)
Alfie got a hat trick last week and notched his 1000th career point. Even then, he’s not enough to make up for the lack of Jason Spezza this year. Wait, Spezza’s still on the team? Why didn’t Bryan Murray trade the guy when he demanded it? The kid’s dead weight. He’s worth less in a trade after his start to the season than he was when he was demanding that trade over the summer. And why did no one care about Alfie’s milestone but every one of Mats Sundin’s points was worthy of a big highlight package and a parade?

#25 San Jose Sharks (LW #19)
I don’t know how much of their struggles is their goaltending but it would be the easiest place to point because the team’s GAA is above 3. Say what you will about Nabakov’s playoff runs, I don’t think you can fault his regular season statistics. Probably the most troubling thing for the Sharks is that they’re winless at the Shark Tank. Undefeated on the road is good but if you can’t win at home, you’re truly screwed.

#26 Columbus Blue Jackets (LW #25)
Far, far earlier in this set of rankings, I suggested that four Central Division teams could make the playoffs. Could Columbus make it five? In a word, no. Sometimes it amazes me that a team can go from a playoff team (granted they were promptly swept by Detroit) to in contention for a #1 overall draft pick. I guess if you don’t go out and try to improve, you get passed awful quick.

#27 Edmonton Oilers (LW #20)
Is Jordan Eberle incapable of scoring any goals that don’t belong on a highlight reel? Saturday, he power around a couple of Shark defenders and put home a respectable goal. It was enough to get him trending on Twitter. Hell, the Oilers can only get mentioned on Twitter when it involves Eberle or Khabibulin’s DUI. But if I played for Edmonton, I’d drink too.

#28 New Jersey Devils (LW #18)
Curse of Kovalchuk. I’m going to say that anytime that the Devils don’t top the power rankings. Of course, this year’s Devils will be lucky to make the playoffs so I don’t think topping these lowly blog’s power rankings is going to happen anytime soon. That being said, I am available to be bribed. I’ll take any money Kovi didn’t get paid when he was a healthy scratch.

#29 Buffalo Sabres (LW #22)
Fun fact of the day: Buffalo is hosting the upcoming World Juniors over Christmas and New Year’s. TSN will be doing their shootout for $1 million from Buffalo as well. So, at the very least, Buffalo will see a championship team this year. It might not be the USA or Canada but the closest Buffalo has been to a champion since… When was the last time a Buffalo team won a championship? I don’t know either.

#30 Florida Panthers (LW #30)
You know, the Panthers aren’t that bad a team. Well, actually, they are but Tomas Vokoun makes you think they’re better than they actually are. When he’s traded (not if), then we’ll see the inevitable collapse to the #1 overall pick. Well, that’s unless the Devils or Leafs beat them to the bottom.