Best of E-Mails From An Asshole

It’s time for us to add another new website into the ever growing collection of websites in our Best of the Interweb series. Today, we have a look at E-Mails From An Asshole. This website features the email chains of one man being an asshole to people who post classified ads. This is easily one of the funniest websites on the interweb.

(All stories contained in this post should be considered sic’d.)

Original ad:
Wanted – CHILDRENS DVDS
Movies wanted for children aged 5 and up – will take all unwanted DVDs!

From Me to *********@**********.org:

Hey there!

I’m trying to get rid of a bunch of movies I’ve had since I was a kid. The movie stores won’t take them, and it would be a shame for me to just throw them out. I’d love to pass them on to people who can enjoy them. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

Mike – Which movies do you have and how much do you want for them?

From Me to Julia ******:

Julia,

Here is the full list:

Alvin and the Chipmunks
Alladin
Backdoor Creampies 2
Beauty and the Beast
Big Black Threesome
Fantasia
Finally 18 and Legal
The Lion King
Mattress Slaves 3
The Mighty Ducks
Toy Story
Wet Squirters 5

Please let me know which ones you want.

Thanks,

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

Mike…some of those titles are inappropriate.

From Me to Julia ******:

Julia,

Which titles are inappropriate?

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

I think you know which ones…

From Me to Julia ******:

Are you talking about Fantasia? I know, I thought it was a Vietnam war movie too. I assure you it has nothing to do with Asia and is completely appropriate for children. The only other title I think you are referring to as inappropriate is The Lion King, but I think you are confusing that with “The Scorpion King,” the violent movie starring Dwayne Johnson. While the Lion King does have adult themes, it is nothing like The Scorpion King.

I hope this clears things up.

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

No…explain to me how these movies are for children??? Backdoor Creampies, Big Black Threesome, Finally 18 and Legal, Mattress Slaves 3, Wet Squirters 5. It sounds to me like you are trying to throw out your porn collection.

From Me to Julia ******:

Pornography? What a disgusting accusation! What kind of a person do you think I am? You have a really perverted mind if you think those movies are adult films.

You’ve really never heard of those movies? Where was your childhood? I’ll find the plot summaries for you.

Backdoor Creampies – Cindy, a little girl with big ambitions, decides to open a bakery in her parents kitchen – selling pies to children who come to her backyard. Cindy learns that running a business isn’t all fun and games in this hilarious tale of entrepreneurship.

Big Black Threesome – Barry, Billy and Bernie are three lovable black bears who have zany adventures during their quest for honey.

Finally 18 and Legal – A coming of age story about a young girl who becomes an independent woman.

Mattress Slaves 3 – Part 3 of the shocking documentary about slave labor in the mattress industry of third world countries. (Acceptable for kids, and in my opinion, a necessity to educate them on some real world issues. I never bought a foreign mattress again after this eye-opener.)

Wet Squirters 5 – The Squirters gang is back again in this heartwarming tale about a group of whales who try to find their long lost father in a vast ocean of wet sea critters.

Once again, I hope this clears things up for you.

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

You expect me to believe that all of those movies simply have unfortunate titles? Nice try.

From Me to Julia ******:

Sorry to disappoint your sick mind Julia, but yes, they are all children’s movies. So do you want them or not?

By the way, I just found 3 more movies to add to the collection I am offering:

Toy Story 2
James and the Giant Peach
Walt Disney’s Double Penetration Cockblasts 3

Mike

From Julia ****** to Me:

Okay I’ve had enough of this. You are a nut.

From Me to Julia ******:

Think of the children, Julia. They will never get to enjoy these classic films because of you.

From Julia ****** to Me:

Go to hell.

•••

Original ad:
**** Disguisable weapons wanted ****
Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc…..
Offering: cash, items for barter

From Me to **********@***********.org:

Hey,

I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Here you go:

Looks like a normal spoon, right?

Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5″ half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can fuck off.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:

At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.

Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.

This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

Let me know if you want any of these items.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

youre a fucking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother fucker. I hope you get hit by a car. fuck off, eat shit, and die.

•••

Original ad:
WANTED – Microwave
I am looking for a used microwave. WHITE ONLY

From Me to *********@************.org:

I have a LG microwave that I want to sell for $30. I am aware that your ad said whites only, but I am an African American. I sincerely hope that this won’t be a problem for you, and we can put race issues aside and just do business.

Thank you,
Jamal

From Amy ****** to Me:

I am so sorry that you misread my ad. I meant the microwave should be white, because it would match my kitchen.

Amy

From Me to Amy ******:

Oh, so because I am black, you think that I can’t read? It really is amazing that the world we live in is still so racist. I’m sorry, but your insults have left me feeling sick. I don’t think I can sell my microwave to a bigot.

Sincerely offended,
Jamal

From Amy ****** to Me:

I wasn’t suggesting that you couldn’t read. I’m not racist. If you read my whole email you would see that the ad was looking for a white microwave, not a white person. I changed the ad to avoid any confusion.

Amy

From Me to Amy ******:

So now you think that because I am black, I am too lazy to read your whole e-mails. Your racism is overwhelming. You will never get my microwave from me. I will, however, sell you a burning cross for your next klan meeting. Does $20 for the cross sound fair?

From Amy ****** to Me:

I can’t write anything without you being offended! I give up!

From Me to Amy ******:

So you don’t want the microwave?

From Amy ****** to Me:

Will you still sell it to me?

From Me to Amy ******:

I would never sell anything to a racist.

From Amy ****** to Me:

Ugh I’m done with you.

•••

Original ad:
PHONE BROKEN? NO PROBLEM! ***PHONE REPAIRS***
We can fix any phone problem, and fast! Have your phone fixed while you wait. Water damage? No problem. Cracked screen? No problem. Low prices! Customer satisfaction is our priority.
We are located off of Rt 3 near Upper Darby.

From Me to ***********@*********.org:

Hi there,

I’m not sure what happened, but my phone simply stopped working last night. I was talking on it and it suddenly shut off and won’t turn on. Do you think you would be able to repair it?

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

We most certainly can fix it. What kind of phone is it?

From Me to Will *******:

Oh, I’m not sure…I’m not too good when it comes to technology. If I took a picture of the phone, would you be able to tell?

From Will ******* to Me:

Yes. Or you could check near the battery cover and find the model number.

From Me to Will *******:

I’m not sure how to get to the battery cover. I’ll just send you a picture of it:

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Holy Christ! What the hell did you do to that thing?!

From Me to Will *******:

I’m not sure…I think I might have dropped it.

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

…into a fire?!?!?!

From Me to Will *******:

No, I think I’d remember if that happened. So when can I bring it in to your shop?

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Seriously? We can’t fix that, it is burned to a damn crisp! FYI that is a Blackberry, and you may as well buy a new one – that one is ruined.

From Me to Will *******:

This is an outrage. Allow me to quote your ad: “we can fix any phone problem.”

Why can’t you fix mine? Is this your idea of “customer satisfaction” ?

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Look, asshole, most phone problems are cracked screens and water damage, which we can fix. What are we supposed to do with a melted hunk of plastic that used to be a phone?

From Me to Will *******:

You tell me. You’re supposed to be the expert. Perhaps you should change the wording of your ad so you stop tricking people into thinking you can fix their phones when you can’t.

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Perhaps you should go fuck yourself.

•••

Original ad:
we need profesional catering for our christmas day dinner party. must have experence catering. SERIOUS RESPONSES ONLY

From Me to ************@*********.org:

Hello,

I am writing in response to your ad looking for a caterer for your Christmas dinner party. I am a freelance chef with a lot of catering experience. I was the top chef at the world renowned Restauran de Bon Foodeux for over five years. If you are still looking for a caterer, let me know.

Thanks,

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

michael thank you for responding. what are your rates? we are expeting about twenty people at are dinner party so will need enough food for all of them. can you supply the food and we reembirse you? also do you have a menu of mealss you cook for us to choose from?

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

Supplying the food will not be a problem. I have a wide variety of exquisite dishes for you to choose from, which I will list below. My rates are per person and it depends on the meal, but generally ranges from $20-$40 per person. Here are the meals I typically offer:

La Nouille du Triomphe
A meal of pure bliss and flavor – a delicious plate of ramen noodles boiled in the purest of water. Noodles can be flavored with either chicken or beef seasoning.

Le Repas du Fromage Délicieux
A mouthwatering bowl of easy mac cooked to perfection in a microwave. Served with a side of peanut M&Ms.

Le Repas de la Faim de Grande Personne
A delectably and savory microwaved TV dinner. The dish comes with two pieces of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, freshly grown vegetables and a satisfying brownie that is heated to absolute perfection.

Le Sandwich Rouge
A truly phenominal sandwich consisting of ketchup spread over a carefully microwaved piece of bread, and then topped with another piece of bread. Comes with a side of mayonnaise for dipping.

Dessert

Le Plat du Lait et de la Céréale
A satisfying end to your meal, this dessert consists of a bowl of fruit loops served with either skim or 2% milk. Milk can be substituted with water for those on a diet.

La Pâtisserie Bourrée
Individually wrapped twinkies that have been microwaved to sheer delight.

Let me know which meals you are interested in, and I can give you a quote on how much everything will cost.

Thank you,
Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

what the fuck you actully cater that shit to people ? yea im gonna serve easy mac and twinkies for christmas dinner are you fuckin kidding me. my son in college could make that shit!

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

The twinkes aren’t for everyone. I understand if you are on a diet, but for me, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like a twinkie and some good easy mac. If you aren’t interested in that meal, would you consider any of my other options? My personal favorite is Le Sandwich Rouge. That is also very affordable. For twenty people, it would probably cost you about $400.

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

cut the bullshit fancy french names and call it a goddamn gross ass ketchup sanwich

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

I am personally offended that you are insulting my masterpiece meals. These are perfected family recipes that have been passed down for generations of chefs in my family. Cooking is my art, and for you to insult me without even trying my work is just plain rude.

Michael

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