Not News of the Week

It’s that time of week again. It’s all the news that’s not fit for print. It’s the Not News of the Week.

Everything is bigger in Texas and that includes their culinary daring when it comes to deep-fried foods. A man with a set up at the Texas State Fair is adding two very unique products to his menu. He’s now selling deep-fried beer and deep-fried frozen margaritas. The deep-fried beer is a beer-filled pretzel dough square. When you bite into it, the beer pours out. The deep-fried frozen margarita is a funnel cake batter mixed with tequila, dusted with margarita mix and served in a salt-rimmed plastic glass. You need to be over 21 to order them and it’ll take more than a few to even give you a buzz.

With the NFL season starting on Thursday, we find out this interesting fact about a star player. Pittsburgh Steelers defensive back Troy Polamalu’s hair has been insured for $1 million dollars. It wasn’t his idea though. He is a compensated endorser of Head & Shoulders shampoo and best known for his long hair that escapes out the back of his helmet. So Procter & Gamble, owner of the H&S brand, took out an insurance policy through Lloyd’s of London that says that if Polamalu loses more than two-thirds of his hair, he will collect the $1 million. I’m guessing this means that getting a haircut would void the policy.

Germany isn’t particularly fond of the communists but a recent incident in an elementary school might just help their image. A class of six-year-olds were given pens by the German Communist Party at the start of classes. The only problem with the pens is that they could project images of naked women. Naturally, parents were greatly offended by the fact that their children were exposed to the same filth that they saw when they walked in on them doing the horizontal tango. Remember that if your parents say that you didn’t walk in on them, it probably happened though they’ll never admit it. Anyway, the Communist Party had a good excuse for giving these pens out. They just picked up the cheap pens at the dollar store.

But if you thought folks were overreacting in Germany, it doesn’t hold a candle to what’s happening in the States. School districts across the nation are banning pro-breast cancer research wrist bands because they don’t like how they’re promoting research. The most popular breast cancer research wrist band is one that says “I (heart) Boobies.” However, school districts with administrators that are total prudes are banning these bracelets as being sexually suggestive. I’d hate to see what these folks do during breast cancer awareness month.

Detroit has a reputation for violent crime but it recently had a pretty good ironic crime. A security vehicle for mayor Dave Bing was left on cinder blocks after the wheels were stolen off it. The car was parked at an east-side condo building when the tires were taken off it. The mayor’s staff tried to spin this as an example of the challenges that are facing the city of Detroit but they missed the bigger picture. They mayor’s security staff really sucks.

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