It’s that time of week again. It’s all the news that’s not fit for print. It’s time for the Not News of the Week.

Ask any guy and they’re likely to tell you that they’d rather die than watch a Twilight movie. A man in New Zealand took this a bit too literally. A 23-year-old man was found dead following an evening screening of the new Twilight movie, Eclipse. Police aren’t immediately sure what the cause of death is but a check for fang marks, clawed scratches, and glitter turned up nothing. With any luck, they’ll ring up the producers, writers, and cast on murder charges. After all, the last two movies are definitely worth fraud and larceny charges for taking everyone’s money.

While Spain and the Netherlands battled for the FIFA World Cup Trophy on Sunday, they missed out on the big World Cup prize. In Columbia, a replica of the World Cup trophy was stopped from being mailed to Madrid because it was made of cocaine. A drug smuggler made a replica trophy by mixing the cocaine with acetone or gasoline to make it mouldable and packing it in a box with jerseys for shipment to Madrid. Customs officials flagged the fake trophy for closer inspection after seeing the gold and green paint on it was in rough shape. Only in Columbia would someone try that.

If there’s one thing that the last 46 editions of the Not News has taught me, it’s that people will try all sorts of get rich quick schemes. Now a teacher in Australia is trying to get a quick payout from the government because her kids are too rowdy. She is suing the state of Queensland for £500,000 because she suffered what she claims is permanent damage to her larynx caused by yelling at her class. She says that this is the government’s fault because they didn’t provide adequate assistance for her in the classroom. No word if she also plans on suing the parents for raising a bunch of little terrors.

Everybody knows, or at least should know, that you can’t make death threats. That’s why it’s funny when someone gets arrested for making death threats to themselves. A woman from Santa Ana was arrested in connection to death threats she made to herself. It turns out that she doesn’t have multiple personalities but was trying to frame her ex-boyfriend and his sister-in-law for the threats. She really sold this one by making 19 complaints to police. Her plan was foiled when the ex did some grassroots detective work and found out that the threats were made from a prepaid cellphone bought by the alleged victim. Now, she’s serving one year in prison for false imprisonment by fraud and making a false police report. See, Lindsay Lohan did get off light.

Claiming that you’re the most sadistic dominatrix in Europe might work as a selling point for some clients but killing them might hurt repeat business. A 58-year-old client of Mistress Lucrezia and Mistress Juno collapsed after an “intense session” at their HQ in a villain in Belgium. The victim had driven from England to take advantage of the Mistresses’ services. Ironically, the street where Mistress Lucrezia is a quiet village street that is mostly inhabited by families. Not exactly the sort of place that you would expect to find “a sadist of the worst kind.” And here I thought that Belgium was only good for chocolates.