Not News of the Week

After a week off, it’s the return of the weirdest and wackiest stories from around the world. It’s the Not News of the Week.

A woman from Manchester claims that falling from a Nintendo Wii balance board has turned her into a sex addict. A doctor diagnosed her as having a damaged nerve causing persistent sexual arousal syndrome as a result of the three-inch fall from the video game console accessory. Now, the woman says that the slightest of vibrations turns her on and that she gets uncontrollable urges up to 10 times a day. In related news, Tiger Woods claims that his infidelity was may be related to an accident while playing golf on the Wii.

We’ve all heard of getting tickets for going too fast but have you ever gotten a ticket for going too slow? A man in Connecticut was pulled over by police for going 5 mph in a 40 mph zone. The man had a nine-year-old child on board the car. So was that the reason why he was going 35 under the limit? Not quite. He was driving under the influence of PCP. Only in America can a drug that normally causes aggressiveness cause a driver to go unnecessarily slow.

In other drug related news, heroin appears to the recreational drug of choice amongst third graders in Pennsylvania. A couple of weeks ago, an elementary school student was caught handing out upwards of 60 small bags of heroin with the words “Trust me” written on them. Police say that each bag had a street value in the neighbourhood of $1,000. School officials say that letters have been sent to the parents of kids who may have received bags. No word what happened to the drugs after they were confiscated which would lead me to think something that would get me sued if I wrote it.

High school proms are a big deal for most folks (with the exception of my hometown which didn’t have any). However, the biggest nightmare for a prom goer is that their ride vanishes. This happened to some students in Tulsa. They had just been dropped off at their prom and their driver opened their door when somebody hopped in the driver’s seat and took off. A nearby couple gave chase in their car as they called police. It turns out that the limo was being repossessed due to a loan covenant violation. Unfortunately for the repo man, it wasn’t until after he was handcuffed and slammed on the ground that police figured that out.

Renowned scientist Stephen Hawking says that trying to talk to aliens will lead to the downfall of mankind. Hawking believes that it’s nearly statistically impossible for there not to be life elsewhere in the universe. Given the worries about all of our resources being used up here, Hawking hypothesizes that other species could already be in the same boat. The long and short of Hawking’s musings are that trying to communicate with aliens is setting us up as targets for them to move in and invade. Clearly, someone’s been watching too much Doctor Who and Star Trek.

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