Not News of the Week

Just because it’s a statutory holiday doesn’t mean that we can’t bring you the weirdest and wackiest stories from around the world. After a short delay, it’s time for the Not News of the Week.

The never-ending saga of the British woman who ran afoul of the law because she has loud sex is back in court. She’s had an ASBO (Anti-Social Behaviour Order) for the last four years and was handed a suspended suspension for repeated violations in January. In late March, she and her husband had a quickie on Sunday morning but that was enough for her neighbours to ring the local constabulary. She was arrested and arraigned but as part of her bail arrangement, she has to stay in a special “bail house” so she stays away from her husband so they don’t have loud sex. She has a solid defence though. She says that they were only going at it for ten minutes instead of their usual two hour marathons. Still, I have to wonder why she’s the one getting in trouble when it’s her husband’s fault that he’s so good.

With the recent release of the second Twilight movie on DVD and the announcement of a fifth book, this is an appropriate story to run. A man that caught a cab from Manhattan to the Bronx decided that the best way to rob the driver was attempting to suck his blood. The passenger attempted to rob the cabbie at gunpoint but the driver was able to release the gun’s ammo clip. At that point, the would-be robber bit the driver’s neck as they fought inside the taxi. The creature of the night is still on the loose but police have a picture of him from the taxi’s security camera. Clearly a case of personality disorder because everybody knows that vampires don’t show up when pictures are taken.

A man in New Zealand proved that there is a way to beat the breathalyser test. He was pulled over for driving erratically and police administered a roadside breathalyser test. However, the machine wasn’t able to record a measurement for his blood-alcohol content. The machine can only test up to a BAC of 0.200. The police brought him in for a blood test because he beat the breathalyser by being too drunk. For the record, his blood-alcohol content was 0.229.

When trying to get back at an ex, make sure you know what you’re doing. A teenager in New Mexico broke into a car and dedicated in the back seat thinking it was his ex-girlfriend’s. Turns out that he got the right model but the wrong car. As the man was pulling up his pants, the car’s owner returned to find the man and a steaming pile of shit on his seats. The teen was perplexed when a man walked up to the car and said to the owner “I thought this was Desiree’s car.” Turns out that it wasn’t and now the teen has been charged with criminal property damage. And if I owned the car, I wouldn’t just want a reupholstering. I’d want a whole damn car.

An environmental activism group has struck a Chase Bank in Manhattan. They snuck into the bank overnight and left a giant pile of manure in the vestibule that houses the ATM machines. The group was apparently protesting Chase’s involvement in out-of-state mining activities. Still, a giant pile of shit is a unique way to get your point across.

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