It’s time for all the news that’s not fit for print. It’s time for the Not News of the Week.

By now, you’ve probably heard about the monkey who made an appearance at a north Toronto IKEA store. However, you may not know the whole story. The seven-month-old monkey escaped from its crate in a car in the IKEA parking lot before wandering into the store. Like a scene out of a Curious George book, the monkey was wearing a fur coat. Okay, George wore a big yellow hat but you get what I’m talking about.  The monkey’s owner has been charged with possessing a prohibited animal. You know, I wonder if that monkey would have an easier time putting together IKEA’s furniture than I do.

Remember the drunk guy who got his 15 minutes of fame for singing Bohemian Rhapsody  in the back of a police car? Well, he’s finally had his day in court. Naturally, he wore a Viking helmet to court and represented himself. To paraphrase the old saying, a man who represents himself has a fool for a client so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he was convicted of DUI and received a $1,400 fine and one year licence suspension. It’s not all bad for him though. His singing earned him $1,000 from Tru TV so they could air the video of him singing on World’s Dumbest Criminals.

If you try to smuggle cocaine on your person, the authorities always seem to catch you. The latest example is a Panamanian woman who tried to smuggle cocaine into Spain in her breast implants. Barcelona airport authorities thought it was suspicious that the woman flew from Bogota, Columbia, to Barcelona immediately after her surgery. Her scars were still fresh and she still had blood-stained gauze over the incisions. The police had her implants removed and found they contained 1.4 kilograms of cocaine. And you thought Pamela Anderson’s implants were big.

How do doctors in New Zealand cure blindness caused by drinking too much vodka? By having the patient drink whiskey instead. The 65-year-old man was believed to have gone blind as a result of a bad combination the methanol-based vodka he drank had with his diabetes. Since the hospital didn’t have enough medical ethanol to counteract the methanol, they got some Johnnie Walker Black from a nearby liquor store and gave him an IV drip straight into his stomach. Of course, medical practice allows the patient to drink it but doctors took the direct approach. So if you have diabetes, skip vodka and go straight to scotch.

When you think of places that kids should hang out, strip clubs are probably the last place on the list. However, that’s exactly where the Union Township Boys & Girls Club is going to set up shop. The Deja Vu Strip Club closed in December 2011 and was bought last month  by the local community improvement organization to serve as the new home for the local Boys & Girls Club. Before the kids move in, I hope they give that place a complete renovation and disinfection.