For the second week running, let’s add a new website to our best of the interweb series. Well, I start to think that I should rechristen the series “the best of Tumblr” because today’s entry is another great Tumblog. This one is Clients From Hell which compiles hilarious stories from designers about terrible clients who just don’t seem to know what they’re doing.

(All stories in this post should be considered sic’d.)

Client: I want you to make me a facebook.

Me: Do you mean a website facebook’s functionality?

Client: No, just a facebook. I’ve been told having a facebook will help my business.

Me: So you want me to make you a design for your facebook page?

Client: No! Not just a page! Make me a whole facebook.

Me: You can make a facebook account, I’ll assist you with that, and we you can create a page for your business which I will help you design. It’ll appear on Facebook on your customers – 

Client: WHO SAID I WANT AN ACCOUNT OR A PAGE, I JUST WANT A FACEBOOK LIKE ALL THE OTHER FACEBOOKS OUT THERE. 

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Client: “I don’t mean to sound racist, but…”

Me: “But what?”

Client: “But the site is too black.”

Me: “Like, literally too black?”

Client: “Yes. The background is too black.”

Me: “That’s not racist. That has nothing to do with race.”

Client: “Phew. I can never tell with you black people, what’s offensive and what’s not.”

Me: “I’m actually Lebanese. And, yeah, that one might be a bit racist.”

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CLIENT: I’m not too sure about the blue…

ME: Actually, that’s green.

CLIENT: Who’s the client?

ME: You.

CLIENT: And what color is it?

ME: …blue?

CLIENT: Right. Now let me see what other shades of blue we have.

We settled on pine-tree ”blue.”

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Client: I’d like a picture with greener grass. 

Me: Does that mean your ad is in color this week?

Client: Well, no.

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Client: So you got everything you need? Take all the time you want. We really believe we understand the mind of the creative individual. We know it takes time to create a powerful ad.

Me: Yeah. It does. Thanks. 

Client: But it’s urgent. Just imagine that it should have been done as of yesterday. 

Me: But no deadline?

Client: Right. Well, I mean, we need it for four days, but otherwise, yeah – no deadline.

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A pair of divorcees and their son wanted portraits done. Though I suggested they take one together (in complimentary outfits), the mother refused. 

Client: I don’t like my photos, you need to retake them.

Me: Why?

Client: For one thing, you don’t have any photos of the three of us, and for another, my boobs are hanging out in every photo.

Me: You didn’t want to take any photos with your ex, and you chose your shirt.

Client: So? I expected you to just cut him out and put him in pictures with me. You didn’t tell me my boobs were showing, why can’t you just draw a shirt on me?

Me: Do you remember when you asked for no retouching as it is an additional charge?

Client: Yes.

Me: Do you own a mirror?

Client: Yes.

Me: Do you understand where I’m going with this?

Client: No. Are you going to tell my son why there aren’t any pictures of his mother and father together?

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While discussing how to fit an entire production team in an 8.5”x11” photo.

Client: Can’t everyone stand in the front for a while?

Me: Excuse me?

Client: Yeah, I saw that photo effect in a Harry Potter movie once. Isn’t that photoshop?

Me: No. That’s magic.

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Client: Yeah, we’re not paying for this.

Me: Why not? I’ve spent three weeks on this.

Client: Because we can just use the sample you sent us. Think ahead next time.

Me: But it has the words ‘sample’ across it and it’s four times too small.

Client: Ah. Crap. We need you to send us the final version then.

Me: After I receive payment, sure.

Client: Is that really necessary?

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Client: You said you changed the images on the website, but they haven’t changed. Don’t you check these things once you do them!?

Me: I’m looking at them on my computer right now and they are working.

Client: This is unacceptable. Don’t lie to me about work you don’t do. 

The client insisted I come down to his office to discuss the terms of my contract and to explain what I could do to fix my “stupid mistake.”

The client made me sit down at his computer, with the old images from the site staring back.

Client: Explain to me where the updated images are.

I hit refresh.

Me: Right there.

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Whilst conducting a training session with a client on a new piece of software, I came across a trainee who couldn’t get past the welcome screen. The screen prompt read, “Would you like to continue to the login page?”. I asked if she wanted to continue to the login screen to which she replied “yes”. So I instructed her to “…just say ‘yes’ then”.

The trainee then proceeded to lean towards the monitor and in a very determined tone, literally said, “YES.”