The Best of My Drunk Texts

It’s time for yet another entry into our best of the interweb series. (Well, the interweb outside of The Lowdown Blog.) This time, we look at MyDrunkTexts.com. It’s reminiscent of fellow best of the interweb sire Texts From Last Night. It’s got hilarious drunken texts that shouldn’t have been sent about escapades we all dream of getting involved in. And we’re all the better for reading them.

(All texts contained in this post should be considered sic’d.)

I just walked thrugh the woods having a conversation with every spider I saw in it’s web. They all have English accents. I’m drunk and this weed is incredible!

Why is there a hole in my wall? (recvd): Last night, after 8 shots, you had a dance contest with your dog, got mad cause you thought you lost, and punched the wall.

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you’re sober now

I got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section.

Dude i’m not sure who’s apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal…

I just woke up naked and covered in skittles. Best night ever?

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home…

WTF, what happened last night? Reply: You drank all the Bacardi that you bought me for MY birthday and then blamed it on the Bacardi dwarf. That’s what happened last night asshole

I didn’t have enough money for condoms so i bought a scratch off- won 10 bucks- redeemed it for the damn condoms, a pack of gum, and a fuckin snickers.. time to get laid

I am officially superior to you. I said “Go Go Gadget Dick” before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

The brother of the girl I was getting a blow job off walked in on us. I didn’t know what to do so i high-fived him!!!

Had sex with a girl and when I was about to cum… I pulled out and shoved it in her mouth… she said…how did you know I liked that… keeper???

So i told her to give me a PBJ and she gave me the best blowjob i have ever had in my life. Later i learned she thought it meant “perfect blow job”. what a great night

i have bruises on my hips that really really represent the exact marks of a guys hands from grabbing me and f*cking me from behind…. i thought me and you and your boyfriend were hanging out last night?

I just fucked this chick and out of the blue she said she wanted to show me something on the internet. Turns out she is a fucking pornstar! Epic Win??!?!?!?!

I just woke up in a tent with this girl, sat there for 15 minutes trying to remember her name, when she woke up she said “Hi, I’m ashley.” I think I’m in love!

Met hot chick at bar. Went to her place. Fucked for like an hour. Played HER xbox, while getting a bj. Fucked again. More xbox and bj. Fell asleep, and what do I wake up to? Motherfucking pancakes… with chocolate chips. I’m in love…

Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo ’til i google all over your facebook?

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