The Best of Texts From Last Night (Part 5)

It’s been a few months since we’ve done a best of look at the original website that we featured in our best of the interweb series, TextsFromLastNight.com. Well, the fun and partying never ends so neither do the stories. So in our latest installment of the best of the interweb, here are more quick stories about drugs, alcohol, debauchery and sometimes all of the above.

(All texts contained in this post should be considered sic’d.)

Person 1: He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him…
Person 2: He’s the fucking cop whisperer.

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber’s Baby cause they’re gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for ‘safety purposes’

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star…

Held my professor’s hair back while she was puking. I’d better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

i just won “most creative” category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

as he pulled out he yelled “no kids!” and then passed out on top of me

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I’m staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women’s toilet. I just responded ‘blowjob’ and he understood, then shook my hand.

I had no idea a 5’8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous

I’m skipping the ‘hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment’ excuse and just telling you I’m coming over to fuck.

Person 1: She said she couldn’t find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Person 2: Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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