The Best of Texts From Last Night

It’s time for us to continue the intermittent adventures of our best of the interweb series with the original website from this series, Well, the fun and partying never ends so neither do the stories. So in our latest instalment of the best of the interweb, here are more quick stories about drugs, alcohol, debauchery and sometimes all of the above.

(All texts contained in this post should be considered sic’d.)

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Sorry for yelling at you, I’m just really emotional about missing comicon.

Person 1: How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?

We were having margaritas and I was saying “back when I was drinking…” They looked all confused. Then I realized “holy shit they think THIS is drinking?”


You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting

He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

We’ll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.

I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn’t the WORST night I’ve ever had.

My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches… It is so on.

I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you’re parked in front of your house because you don’t want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don’t block the fire hydrant.

He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.

Why can’t you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?

Basically one minute I’m sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we’re at work and she’s my boss.

I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.

I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife

Person 1: he said he didn’t have a condom.
Person 2: and you said?
Person 1: that that’s fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah – he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder

Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.


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