If it’s not worth talking about, then it must be the Not News of the Week.

Soccer is a pretty intense undertaking in most parts of the world. It’s so intense that a match for promotion into Peru’s top tier involved one team drugging the other. Hijos de Acosvinchos received energy drinks from coaches of opponent Sport Ancash during a break in play. When action resumed, four players on Acosvinchos started collapsing. It is alleged that the Ancash coaches gave the opposition drinks containing tranquilizers. Not surprisingly, Sport Ancash won the match and promotion pending an investigation into the incident. Ancash’s president has his own theory as to what happened. He thinks indigestion and overexertion caused the players to pass out. That’s a new one.

Time for your Only In America story of the week: A Manhattan judge has ruled that a four-year-old can be sued for negligence in a case that resulted in the death of an elderly woman. Two kids were racing the bicycles on a sidewalk when one hit an 87-year-old woman who fell and broke her hip. The woman died three months later from unrelated causes. That hasn’t stopped her family from suing everyone with a bank account for damages. The judge said that the girl should have known the danger of riding her bike into an elderly woman. Apparently the judge doesn’t appreciate the ridicule he’s bringing the American legal system into by making this ruling. Welcome to the slippery slope. Next on the docket: The People vs. a crying newborn baby for disturbing the peace.

If you drop your cell phone into the toilet, don’t try to fish it out. A man in China had to be rescued by firemen after he got trapped with his arm in a toilet while trying to salvage his cell phone. He was trapped up to his shoulder and his arm was caught in the U-bend of the plumbing. His rescuers had to break the toilet bowl using crowbars and hammers to free him. The man walked away from his ordeal with cuts, bruises and a wet cell phone.

With Halloween having just passed, this is a timely link. Apparently, folks dress up in costumes in Time Square and take pictures with tourists and get paid tips for their services. Now, a new costumed man has taken up residence in Times Square and has pissed off the longer tenured performers. Elmo is conducting business now but his practices haven’t endeared him to anyone. He demands payment for having a picture taken with him and tells off anyone who doesn’t pay or want to pay. Elmo says that he wants to make a living. I say he’s saving up for legal fees from the inevitable lawsuit.

Smuggling is a thankless job especially when you’re caught. Police in India detained a Sri Lankan man because they received a tip that he was smuggling diamonds. However, a search of his bag didn’t turn anything up but the man became ill while at the police station. That’s because he swallowed 42 condoms containing over 2,000 diamonds. The world’s most expensive condoms were working their way through his digestive tract when he was arrested. Police gave him laxatives to work the diamonds out. I can’t think of a more painful punishment without dropping the soap.