Now that we’ve had our morning dose of the Old Dongslinger himself, let’s get back to regular programming. This edition of the Humanoids was supposed to be all about hockey. That plan got derailed thanks to Messrs. Halladay and Moss. Mostly the good Doctor because it’s not everyday that there’s a no-hitter in the playoffs. That just started a downward spiral for this column. But one thing I can guarantee is that this one is all about sports and their big stars. Whether they deserve the attention they’re getting or not.

Roy Halladay
I don’t know how he keeps doing it but just when you think that the Doctor has come through with a career defining performance, he does something even more amazing. Just when you thought he cemented a place in the Hall of Fame with that perfect game earlier in the season and the Cy Young season this year to join a small group of players to win Cy Youngs in both leagues, he raises the bar some more. We all know by know that Doc just through the second no-hitter in playoff history and the first since Don Larsson’s perfect game in the 1956 World Series. Blue Jays fans may find this performance surprising but that’s only because they don’t know what the MLB Playoffs (and especially this Divisional Series concept) are. The real question is can Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt live up to Roy’s performances. He’s set the bar so high that the pressure to live up to that may destroy the whole Phillies team. Of course, they’ll also have to deal with a pissed off Reds team who don’t want to be embarrassed a second time in the series. The real question is what odd slogan should be championed during Doc’s playoff run. I was liking “I want to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay” which is also the name of a Phillies blog. But those shirts that said “Double rainbow all the way” were pretty snazzy too. Got to love those Phillies fans. They’re characters.

Sidney Crosby
Gary Bettman’s favouritest person in the whole world was named by TSN and Sun  Media as the best player in the NHL today. I’m not certain what the criteria used for that were. He’s not as valuable to his team as a Ryan Miller or Steve Stamkos will be in five years. He isn’t nearly as big a post-season player as half the league. Ovechkin is infinitely more popular with the fans because he can score highlight reel goals and has a personality. And I’ve always thought his defensive acumen was vastly overrated. I’m not saying he’s a bad player. Hell, he’d make my top three in the NHL right now. It’s just that if I was starting a franchise, I’d take Ovechkin, Miller and Toews ahead of Crosby. However, it seems as though the lists were put together in the manner of either: 1) Who would I pick first if I was in a keeper league; or 2) What does Gary want us to say? You think it’s just a strange coincidence that Crosby’s Penguins will be the first team to play in two Winter Classics? No, I’m sure Gary has something to do with the fact that Pittsburgh gets to host a Classic before New York, New Jersey, Washington, Colorado, Minnesota, Columbus, or any of the Canadian teams even get to play one despite being in cold(er) weather climates. As far as Gary’s concerned, this is Sid’s league. No wonder why we’re all sick of them.

NHL TV Contract
That last bit about the Winter Classic brings me to another point. The NHL’s TV deals with NBC and Versus are up at the end of the season. Now there are a few players that are said to be interested in getting the NHL’s national TV deals. NBC/Versus still want to hold onto it but with Comcast buying NBC, there’s a chance that an NBC Sports Net (rebadged Versus) would end up higher on the cable food chain. ESPN is the other big player for the NHL’s rights. The Worldwide Leader is an attractive option because they can pull near network ratings and viewership but are still a cable channel. The exposure on ESPN.com and SportsCenter might be enough to offset the downsides of being solely on cable (as ABC doesn’t look to be part of the package). Fox is also said to be in on the action with FX as a national cable partner and hopefully without Fox Trax pucks or animated attack robots. The good news that comes out of all this is that people want the NHL on their network now. After the lockout, they had a deal with OLN because they wanted to turn into Versus and not because the NHL was a hot commodity. If NBC had no choice but to pay a rights fee for the NHL, I doubt they’d have ever picked up hockey on network TV. The networks want the NHL now which is a far cry from where the league was at the turn of the century.

Fantasy Hockey Pools
I hate fantasy hockey pools. Well, I shouldn’t say that. I have a fairly good track record when it comes to pools I’m in. I am the twice reigning and defending Radio Western hockey pool winner among volunteers. (Which reminds me that there’s a pair of hockey pool winners that are still owed prizes.) No, I hate the pools I’m in this year. Autopicks in an otherwise live draft are moronic and evil. Whoever put together the autodraft rankings and/or logic for TSN’s pools should be tarred and feathered in a public square. And I”m saying that on general principles, not just because I’ve got Tomas Kaberle and Sheldon Souray on my team. It’s bad enough I’ve got Jakub Voracek in one of my other pools because of The Hockey News’ projections that were pulled out of someone’s ass. I tell ya, the pool gods will be out to get you if you win too much. By the way, don’t do your salary cap pool picks before your proper pool. Then you’ll end up with Patric Hornqvist in the 9th round.

Randy Moss
I know this is supposed to be a hockey-themed column but it’s not everyday that a productive hall of famer is traded for a third round pick. And when you think about it, that’s probably not too far off Moss’ value. After all, when you go on the record to say that you aren’t happy in a given place, it limits your team’s options. Moss said he wasn’t happy in New England anymore and was rumoured to want a trade. He has a history of being temperamental and being a me-first player so the Pats’ hands were tied. They had to move Moss or let him play when he felt like it before moving elsewhere during the offseason. What’s scarier than a Patriots team that may not make the playoffs and cause a Boston-turned-national-feeling riot is that Moss is playing with Brett Favre. All of America (including, I’m sure, most of Minnesota) was revelling in the failure of the Vikings and Favre after his 4th off-season retirement drama. Now, we have to worry that Brett’s new toy at receiver may have him like a kid out there again. That really is the worst part of the trade. It’s not how Moss and Minnesota screwed the Pats on a proper return. It’s the Favre factor. God help us.

MLB Playoffs
Well, keeping on the sidetracked track, it’s time for the hunt for November. Remember how Reggie Jackson was called Mr. October for his playoff and World Series performances? You can’t a new playoff star that anymore because of how long the playoffs take. Understandably, the post-season has taken a back seat to NFL hype (and NHL hype in Canada). What’s slightly more shocking is that it seems as though NBA PRE-SEASON action is getting hyped over the playoffs. I flipped on TSN’s SportsCentre the other morning and the lead story was the pre-season debuts of LeBron James and Chris Bosh as members of the Miami Heat. I can’t imagine ESPN doing anything different. And so the playoffs wallow in a TV wasteland. It’s the most unpredictable playoff crop since the introduction of the wild card but no one seems to care. Even the ever hated Yankees, while still hateable, just don’t seem as bad as usual. It almost seems that outside of the print media, there’s a sort of apathy about baseball. It may have to do with the fact that baseball has been in session since mid-February but I think it has to do with compelling stories. Last year, we had the evil empire looking to win a World Series in their new house and the Phillies attempting to repeat. This year, we have an evil empire in the NBA that makes the Yankees look tame by comparison. Just wake me up whenever Doc is up to pitch. That’s the only time before November that anyone will care.

Commonwealth Games
Speaking of things that no one cares about, here’s one that a handful of people care about. It’s time for the Commonwealth Games. If you don’t live in a member of the British Commonwealth, you’d obviously never heard of the Games but it’s hardly a blip on the radar in Commonwealth countries. Basically, think of it as the summer Olympics with only Commonwealth countries and a scant few of the top athletes in each sport. For example, Canada is the third all-time medal winning country at the Commonwealth Games. We could only hope to finish third in the medal count at an Olympics boycotted by the USSR, never mind all-time. That kinda shows the playing field we’ve got at this. But, strangely enough, it’s big enough deal for the likes of the CBC and BBC to dedicate time and money to broadcasting them. The only thing that seems upper echelon of sport-ish is the amount of athlete intermingling that happens at the athlete’s village. We’ve heard stories from the last couple of Olympic Games about condoms being in short supply. Well, that isn’t an issue yet in India but there is another condom related problem. The sewer system at the village is being clogged and backing up because it can’t handle all the flushed condoms. Anyone following the buildup to the Games knows that reports said that construction of venues and the athlete’s village was half-assed as well. Now, athlete horndoggery and shoddy Indian construction work have made a mess (literally) of the athlete’s village. And that, folks, is the highlight of the 2010 Commonwealth Games. No need to watch now.