It’s time for another dose of all the news that’s not fit for print. It’s time for the Not News of the Week.

There’s nothing better than a 911 call over something ridiculous. My personal favourites are calls about McDonald’s being out of food but this one jumped to the top of the list. A man in Manitoba was arrested for calling 911 because he wanted the Winnipeg Jets back. He’s a little late on his call because the Jets moved to Phoenix in 1996. The 911 operator was willing to deal with one call from the man but when he kept calling back, despite being repeatedly disconnected, police were sent to arrest him. When the operator told the man that the police were on the way to arrest him, he said, “If you’re coming to get me, can you bring me some smokes.” Between wanting the Jets and smokes, he’s got his priorities straight.

The Kings of Leon is one of the hottest bands in the world right now but even they have their critics. Their outdoor concert in St. Louis was cancelled after the band was shit on by pigeons. Bass player Jared Followill was the main target of the bird infestation. He was hit repeatedly during the band’s first three songs before their reported twenty-song long setlist was abandoned. The two opening acts of the concert were also bombarded with pigeon shit but toughed it out. So those who say that money and fame can by you happiness clearly aren’t as full of shit as those birds.

A while back, we had a story about a woman who won the Miss Cornwall beauty pageant but was eventually stripped of her tiara because she was too old for the contest. Undeterred, she entered the Miss Plymouth City competition and won there too. Fortunately for her, she was under the maximum age limit for this pageant. The woman claims she entered the Cornwall contest to prove a point to the organizers that the 24-year-old age cutoff is too young. Now she’ll move on to the Miss England beauty pageant for a chance to take part in the Miss World pageant. No word if she’ll try out for Miss Belgium if she fails to win Miss England.

The Germans have some good news for school children. A recent court ruling gives you carte blanche to torment teachers if they have a severe phobia. A high school geography teacher sought an injunction against a 16-year-old student because she was drawing pictures of rabbits to torment the teacher. The suit was rejected immediately by the judge without giving a reason. Maybe his thinking was the very sensible “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.”

Robbery fails usually involve the suspect doing something stupid to get caught. The man who robbed a day spa in Florida had a few failures. He took less than $100 from the spa’s cash register which is a crime not being worth the reward fail. Second, he was wearing jean shorts (jorts, if you prefer) which is a fashion fail. And third, his jorts fell down during the crime which provided the man watching the security camera film a bit more than he bargained for which is a belt fail. But at least General Larry Platt has a clip he can put in his music video because that robber was looking like a fool with his pants on the ground.