The Humanoids: Ball

It’s a tough week here on The Humanoids. A lot of serious things are happening. Mel Gibson exposed himself (well, was exposed) as racist waste of blood and organs. Prince abandoned the internet. And the government spent a million dollars to bring a TV show to PEI for a couple days. On the flip side, we have John Daly’s paisley pants. And who doesn’t paisley… besides anybody with sight.

George Steinbrenner
It’s a sad day for baseball. The most influential owner they ever had died on Tuesday some 12 hours before the All-Star Game. (It’s also sad to think that meant the last piece of baseball he could have watched was that sham of a Home Run Derby. You’d always hope a legend would see their team win the Series before going.) This is the man that pioneered buying a winner. He created the concept of a team that everyone loves to hate. He’s the reason why people want a salary cap in Major League Baseball. He’s also the reason that everyone loved Seinfeld. Let’s face it, Mr. Steinbrenner was one of the better supporting characters on the show. The caricature of The Boss will probably one of the most endearing (and long-lasting) tributes to him that we’ll see. So next chance you get, in remembrance of The Boss, order a calzone instead of your usual fare.

MLB All-Star Game
Even in death, The Boss managed to get one thing right. He avoided watching the farce that was the 2010 Major League Baseball Some Star and Random Representatives From The Shit Teams Game. The Home Run Derby, usually a display of superhuman strength and the will power of people to listen to continuous “BACK”s from Chris Berman, was an absolute dud. It was worse than the Slam Dunk Contest, which was pretty shit this year. The Game itself was a pitcher’s duel. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but when you consider that the odds are stacked in favour of the hitters, you wonder what the hell has happened to baseball. Every other all-star game is all about the offense. So when you get a display like this, you have to wonder what the fuck is wrong with baseball. If the steroid era taught us anything, it’s that chicks dig the long ball. (The irony of that being that the home run hitters wouldn’t have anything in their strike zone to take advantage of long ball loving groupies.) Maybe it’s time that interim commissioner for life Bud Selig quietly allows the juice back into the game. Baseball has basically fallen behind NASCAR in TV ratings and it’s the popularity gap is closing. MLB has to do something drastic to avoid being left behind.

If I cared about Prince, I’d be worried that he’s throwing what’s left of his career away. He recently came out as anti-Internet. In an interview, he likened the internet to MTV as being outdated. That’s slightly ironic considering he previously loved the internet as it would free him from what he called the tyranny of record labels. Turns out that he thinks that the internet must be more tyrannical than record labels because his latest album won’t see the fibre optic light of the internet… Well, at least not legally. His latest album, 20Ten, is available only as a free giveaway with copies of last Sunday’s Daily Mirror (a British newspaper). Given Prince’s recent music history, I’m sure most people saw his album and thought “What a shitty coaster.” I’m sure you can find the album on the internet somewhere now but I’d think that it’d be a waste of hard drive space. After all, if it’s half as good as the lullaby fight song he did for the Minnesota Vikings…

Live with Regis and Kelly
I don’t really understand why a popular syndicated morning talk show from New York City would spend a couple of days in Prince Edward Island. I don’t understand why it would cost the governments of PEI and Canada $1 million to get them there. I can’t possibly understand how four episodes taped over two days costs that much money. A million dollars more and I can build myself a fake lake with some decking to sit on. Granted, this will do a lot more for the tourism trade in PEI than a riot did for Toronto. But still, how much can those two get paid to make an episode in PEI cost $250k. There’s got to be enough TV infrastructure from taping cooking shows that they didn’t have to ship in everyone and everything from the big city. I missed all the episodes (I do work eight hours a day, after all) so I don’t know how much PEI pimping they did but at least it worked on Google. That’s gotta count for something.

Mel Gibson
I wonder if he has a drinking and anger management problem. He’s had a rough go of it over the last five plus years. First, there was the accusations that he was anti-Semitic because of The Passion of the Christ. (Though, as someone raised Catholic, he was definitely following the Catholic company line in that movie.) Then, there was the anti-Semitic rant when he was pulled over for his DUI. Now, he’s drunk and making death threats while throwing out racial slurs. All in a bi-year’s work for Gibson. This sort of stuff makes you wonder who the real Mel Gibson is. Whoopi Goldberg, a black woman, has jump to the defence of her allegedly racist, sexist friend basically saying he’s an idiot but not racist. Does she know the real Mel or does alcohol bring out the real Mel? Alcohol is supposed to suppress one’s inhibitions so that public facade of Gibson goes down and gives us what science tells us is the real Mel? (Though I hope that’s wrong. If alcohol brings out the real us, I must be the most catastrophically boring person on the planet.) No matter what Mel believes and why/when he tells the world, the Iron Shiek is right when he says fuck the Mel Gibson.

The Open Championship
That’s what the Royal and Ancient call what commoners call the British Open. It’s the 150th edition of The Open Championship and the 27th time that the Open has been held at St. Andrews. After one of the most interesting first rounds in Open history, I’m actually looking forward to this more than Tom Watson’s comeback from the brink of the Champions Tour. We have 21-year-old phenom Rory McIlroy in the lead with the lowest first round ever at St. Andrews during the Open. Tiger Woods is finally playing like he did before we found out that he was a cheap, apparently insatiable horndog. And John Daly is playing better than Tiger Woods for the first time… Ever? Well, at least since Tiger turned pro. We have three compelling characters at the top of the leaderboard. After the MLB All-Star Game bombed, golf might have a chance to recover from the damage of Tiger’s suckage and poor play. Mind you, there was no wind or rain the first round. Not to say that McIlroy or Woods weren’t likely to be up near the top anyway. I doubt anyone would have expected Daly near the top. That should all change when the weather turns sour. It did Mickleson’s chances in… Not that had any to begin with.

Hedo Turkoglu
The Turkish Jordan balled his way right out of town. The only disappointing thing was that the Raps couldn’t get Tyson Chandler and Boris Diaw for Jose Calderon. But getting rid of a man who clearly didn’t want to be in Toronto is no big loss. A huge contract wasn’t going to get him to play when he had no motivation. While “Ball” was fun at first, it really was a microcosm for his run with the Raptors. What was special about that game? Ball? That’s it? That answer says to me that he couldn’t really be bothered to deal with the press in Toronto because he couldn’t be bothered with Toronto. So good riddance, Hedo. If anyone says that the Raptors are better with Turkoglu than without, might I suggest moving down to Arizona with him. Don’t get any immigration papers on your way there.


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