The Best of Texts From Last Night (Part 3)

A few months back, we looked at some of the greatest hits of TextsFromLastNight.com. Well, the fun and partying never ends so neither do the stories. So in our continuing look at the best of the interweb, here are more quick stories about drugs, alcohol, debauchery and sometimes all of the above.

(All texts contained in this post should be considered sic’d.)

First day at work… I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

My roommate just called. He’s in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can’t explain. I figured you’d have the explanation.

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

Person 1: so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
Person 2: did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed “TEAM JACOB!” in her face & howled at the moon…

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what…Double or nothing over women’s tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women’s downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

Person 1: Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
Person 2: You are the luckiest man alive

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i’m gonna follow him home.

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He’s obviously gay.

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He’s like the Susan Boyle of sex.

she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness… should I be sad or proud?

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, “Yes we can!” as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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