After nearly two months out of action, it’s the return of The Humanoids. A lot of stuff has happened over the last few weeks that needs to be smacked around in that classic cynical/sarcastic Humanoids way. The format is just the same as you remember but the numbers have changed slightly because we don’t have a radio station to subtly give a nod to. So, without further ado, the return of The Humanoids.

LeBron James
Forget the Lakers, Suns, Magic and Celtics. The only thing that NBA fans are talking about is where LeBron will be playing next season. It seems as though there are only two serious contenders: the New York Knicks and Chicago Bulls. I don’t know if one is a front-runner over the other. New York is New York while Chicago is the better team right now. On the periphery with a chance is Miami and Cleveland. Yeah, LeBron’s hometown team, the city that needs him more than anything, is likely to be dumped to the curb for the glitz and glamour of a major market NBA team. And you know who is helping to destroy the city of Cleveland? Barack Obama. The President of the United States is championing his adopted hometown as the perfect fit for King James to continue his career. I’d have to say it’s probably the worst place for him to go. Chicago and the #23 will always belong to Michael Jordan. LeBron can’t become as big a star as His Airness by copying his career. Moving to Chicago would make LeBron less of a star in my opinion. Being the biggest man in Cleveland was great for him. Moving to New York would be a smart move too. It’s Jeter’s town but New York is big enough to handle two sporting superstars. After all, Jeets is in the twilight of his career while LBJ is just getting started. That all being said, clearly the best place for him would be in Toronto playing for the Raptors.

Indy 500 / Coke 600 Bonus
One of the interesting storylines for this year’s Memorial Day weekend raceday isn’t at either race track but in the front office of Charlotte Motor Speedway. The owner of CMS has proposed a $20 million bonus paid to any driver who wins both the Indianapolis 500 and Coca-Cola 600 in the same day. Right now, it would never happen. Sure, there are a couple of drivers in the IndyCar Series and NASCAR that have experience in both cars. The problem is that the 500 starts just after 1:00 PM Eastern and the 600 starts at 6:00 PM. Assume that it takes about two hours to get from the Indianapolis Motor Speedway to Charlotte Motor Speedway and the Indy 500 has to end in 3 hours or less for a driver to be able to pull the double. Assuming a green flag average of 210 MPH, the 500 would take about 2:23 to complete. If any time is spent under caution, then all hopes of being able to pull the double are dashed. The easy thing would be to move the start times around but that leads to another problem. Who does a bonus really benefit? Indy gets a bunch of big name NASCAR stars show up for one race but will NASCAR fans actually stick around after the 500? The 500 might also seem less special as a result. It’s the crown jewel of IndyCar but it’s being pair with a big, but not the biggest, race on the NASCAR Sprint Cup schedule. A $20 Million bonus for the Daytona 500 and Indy 500 winners might be a bit more appropriate. The third reason why this may not help IndyCar is where the cheque will be handed out. If you win the 500, you still have to win the 600. That means the big party is in Charlotte, not Indianapolis. It would be a great boost for NASCAR if the 500 champ is on the lead lap in the late running. You could see Daytona 500-plus numbers of people tuning in to see history made. Of course, if the 500 winner isn’t in the 600, this would all be a moot point. That would actually probably do a little damage to NASCAR and take some (but not much) lustre off the 600.

Women in Racing
I read an article on the USA Today’s website that said that IndyCar is ahead of NASCAR because there are four women in the Indy 500 and none in Sprint Cup. That’s a fairly bold statement considering that between the four, the most famous one wants to be in NASCAR and the best one is probably the least well known. Between the women in the race, they have one win in the IICS. To say that IndyCar is ahead because the women of the 500 will be averaging between 40 and 50 mph faster a lap (more in the 30 to 40 range but who’s bothering to check facts) is a reason that NASCAR is lagging behind Indy is a dangerous misstatement. IndyCars have more downforce in general and more downforce in relation to horsepower compared to a Sprint Cup car. Look at the struggles of Dario Franchitti and Sam Hornish in their transition if you need proof that success in IndyCars doesn’t mean success in Sprint Cup. Hell, Scott Speed and Jacques Villeneuve came from F1 but Speed is still not up to speed and JV, the 1997 F1 World Champion, was bounced from the sport. Look at other F1 drivers coming over to North America. Justin Wilson is doing pretty well for himself while Takuma Sato is quickly getting up to speed. Narain Karthikeyan and Nelson Piquet are still trying to come to grips with the NASCAR Trucks (sort of like AA baseball). As for Danica, she’s averaging finishes in the 30s. Women aren’t in NASCAR because of some sort of conspiracy and IndyCar isn’t the be all and end all for women racers. The fact is that NASCAR is damn competitive. It doesn’t matter if you’re a woman or a Formula One World Champion, the fact is that you’ll have a hell of a harder time making it in NASCAR than IndyCar.

Elin Nordegren
So did you hear how much the soon-to-be former Mrs. Tiger Woods is asking for in her divorce? She wants a paltry $750 Million. Now, I don’t think anyone called her a gold digger when she married him but it may be a safe tag now. Granted, I’m sure that when your sex addict husband cheats on you with over 100 different bimbos, it’s pretty traumatic. But I’m not sure that public embarrassment is a reason to walk away with somewhere in the neighbourhood of half to two-thirds of your husband’s net worth. I know that his endorsements and winnings run in the roughly $100 million per year range but that’s 7.5 years of his life that she’s demanding. I don’t want to bring up how much money she’s brought into the home during the marriage but Tiger is the bread winner. Even if you think that he’s the scum of the earth for what he did (which likely means that you’re not a man), trying to bankrupt the bastard is a bit excessive. He’ll be heckled for the rest of his days for this while Elin will come off as the sympathetic heroine. She might even be able to gain some traction any field of work she might choose to enter. The fact remains that while Tiger may be a (one hundred and twenty) two-timing scumbag, he doesn’t deserve to be stripped of his life’s work as a result.

Erin Andrews
America’s sideline princess came oh slow close to picking up the win in the tenth Strictly Come Sequins competition. She was beat out by glorified burlesque dancer Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls (who, if memory serves, was a burlesque-esque act before trying music). Andrews came in known as an ESPN sideline reporter who was filmed nude in a hotel room. Now, she’s a star with seemingly limitless career possibilities. In the span of less than a year, she’s experienced both the worst and best that fame has to offer. It probably won’t come as much of a surprise if she leaves ESPN or gets reassigned to more high profile games on ABC rather than ESPN. Of course, that’s assuming she doesn’t get a job with a different ABC property like Entertainment Tonight. The question also becomes what she will do with female journalists who are trying to make a name for themselves by digging their claws into EA. People naturally fear what is different. Andrews wants to be a serious journalist but she doesn’t want to be buttoned up in a dull suit and good on her for that. Of course, I’m not sure if the columnists are taking shots at her because of how she looks or because of what she does for a living. Hopefully, whatever’s next for EA means she finds more screen time in Canada.

Argentine Soccer Team
It’s been an interesting little stretch for Team Argentina. Manager and soccer legend Diego Maradona ran over a cameraman’s leg. They beat the Canadian soccer team 5-0 at home in a friendly that the Argentines could have won if they only took the field for the final 10 minutes. And the team doctor is taking the anti-English philosophy of allowing the players to have sex during the tournament. I can’t see how this would hurt the team. It might wear them out a bit but then all that happens at the Olympic Village is fornicating… and eating McDonalds. If you can fuck someone’s brains out and then win a gold medal, there’s no reason the same can’t be true at the World Cup. And before anyone says STDs, organizers are giving away millions of condoms for use. But the real reason I’m mentioning this story, besides to rile up English fans over their squad’s ridiculous no sex policy, is the picture on the left. The article that broke this story was titled “Let them have sex” and had that picture at the top of the article. The caption? “An Argentina fan gets excited.” She most certainly is.

2011 Winter Classic
So the next edition of the NHL’s big outdoor spectacular will be at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh as Ovechkin battles Crosby on the grandest stage of the regular season. It almost seems ironic that we’d find this out on the eve of the Stanley Cup final with both of the NHL’s biggest stars making early exit. I’d say that the timing indicates that Gary is bitter his dream series with his golden boys didn’t materialize this year. So that must be why he’s pumping them up at the expense of the Penguins’ arch-nemesis, the Philly Flyers. I’m sure Flyers fans will see it as a slight by the league. Who can blame them though? The NHL gets a great matchup featuring an Original Six team and a historic franchise but it’s still the Crosby Show in Bettman’s new NHL. As far as man crushes go, I’d guess that Gary’s one on Sid the Kid is pretty damn big. That all being said, the choice of Washington against Pittsburgh is probably one of the better matchups that the NHL could pick. After all, the two teams are big draws individually and paired up, they should smash the TV ratings record for a regular season game. Mind you, this isn’t the outdoor game that I’m looking forward to the most next season. On December 11th, the MSU Spartans will take on the Michigan Wolverines in The Big Chill at The Big House. Anyone have an extra ticket for me? Media credentials? GO BLUE!