For the 25th time in the blog’s history, it’s time for all the news not fit for print. It’s time for the Not News of the Week.

A new study released in Germany finds that men will live longer if they stare at women’s breasts. The researchers say that staring at breasts leads to sexual excitement which gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. A study of 500 men showed that men who stared at women’s breasts had lower blood pressure, slower resting heart rates, and fewer episodes of coronary artery disease. The study said that men should stare at larger breasts for at least 10 minutes a day. This study is bound to make small talk difficult for men who follow this study. That’s especially true when guys use the pickup line “I have to stare at your chest because it helps me to live longer.”

Industry Canada would like to remind you that it appreciates that you have dreams but there are forms to be filled out before you try to do something you want to do with your life. A 14-year-old boy had setup his own all-music FM radio station in Ottawa using equipment that he bought over the internet. The transmitter he bought and setup on the roof of his house let listeners tune into 91.9FM and listen up to 20 km away. But for some reason, people (I’m assuming easy listening radio stations) filed complaints about the boy’s station. Industry Canada stepped in and told the boy to stop broadcasting without a license or he’d be fined $5,000 a day. Another sign that big business and government doesn’t give a shit about real people.

Speaking of big groups messing with kids, a conservative group called the American Family Association has forced a second grade class in Indiana to change its Christmas play because it mentions Allah. The play was supposed to be an inclusionary play about different religions December traditions including Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Las Posadas and Kwanzaa. The AFA decided that it didn’t like that one line in the play was “Allah is God.” The woman who launched the complaint isn’t connected with the school but felt “it’s wrong to praise another religion’s God.” Technically, the God of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam is one and the same. If this story doesn’t show how backwards the Christian fundamentalist religious right is, nothing will.

We’ve all heard the saying that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Well, you can teach monkeys new tricks but just be careful. A man in China taught some monkeys a few basic taekwondo moves to they could entertain people at a shopping centre. The only problem was that they were better on the stage than in practice and proceeded to lay a beat down on their trainer. One onlooker described the action as better than a Bruce Lee movie. The monkeys kept their trainer at bay with a series of acrobatic moves, including attacking him with a stick, until they got tangled in a rope designating the performance area.

Normally we don’t talk about sports in the Not News but this was to weird a story to pass up. The Philadelphia Flyers came into this NHL season with an outside chance of winning the Stanley Cup. Heading into Christmas, they’re hardly in contention for a playoff spot. What’s been behind this monumental under achievement? Well, rumour has it that the locker room has been split by an affair. The rumour is that Jeff Carter has been sleeping with the wife of teammate Scott Hartnell. Now the Flyers are trying to trade Carter in order to remedy the situation. If the whole Tiger Woods thing didn’t go down, the NHL could have gotten some publicity from this.