Does that post title refer to Tiger Woods hitting the fire hydrant? Maybe it’s about Keith Ballard’s stick against the side of Tomas Vokoun’s head? A lot of people are springing to the top of the news very quickly this week. Whether it’s in sports or entertainment, this week’s targets were barely on the radar last week and now find themselves front and centre this week. It also sorta refers to the last second nature of me putting this together and the fact that it’s a shorter than usual column so I could get this up today.

Now for your regular (and not fondly thought of) radio show update. Editing has wrapped up on the December 8th edition of Lowdown Extra. It will be our longest ever at about 1:22:37 of podcast goodness. We haven’t looked at the radio show version but it should have talk about DJ Hero, Band Hero, Lego Rock Band, random gifts and green shopping along with the usual news, entertainment and sports. It’s going to be a long weekend sorting all that out at Lowdown HQ.

Tiger Woods
Why did Tiger Woods hit both a fire hydrant and a tree? He couldn’t decide between an iron and a wood. What’s the difference between Tiger on the golf course and Tiger on the road? Tiger can drive 300 yards on the golf course. I can finally say that I can outdrive Tiger Woods. Sadly, that’s about all I can say. He’s still richer than me and can pull better women than I can. He admitted that it was women not just Elin. So does that mean we still have to go through all this tabloid “journalism.” I don’t hate tabloids. I find some of the things entertaining at times in the same way that I find the WWE entertaining at times. The stories of Tiger’s torrid affairs were mildly amusing when it was TMZ or whoever reporting them. Now that they turned out to be true, you have to wonder what purpose that it served to tear his life apart. I don’t really care what or who Tiger did. I like to think of Tiger as the greatest golfer of all time and because of the public’s inexplicable obsession with the private lives of people they’ve heard of, I don’t think he’ll ever be thought of the same way again. In all this, Tiger’s worst crime wasn’t crashing his car or cheating on his wife. It was being revealed as human. That’s not such a bad thing when you think about it.

Saskatchewan Roughriders
This could very well have been one of the greatest Grey Cup games in the history of the CFL. It was also the strangest finish in the history of all football. Whether you’re a fan of the Riders or the Als, it was one of the most unusual and most exciting finishes of all time. Long story short, the Riders were up 14 points on Montreal at half time. The Als closed within two in the dying minutes. Their kicker misses the last second field goal but flags fly everywhere. It turned out that the Roughriders had too many men on the field and Montreal got a second chance that they converted on. Penalties are a part of the game but you have to figure that you would make sure to avoid them on the most important play of the season. Sure, one play over the other 59:59 of the game could have made this field goal a non-story but they didn’t. There’s an old cliché that I used fairly often on radio: Big players make big plays in big games. With the rumour that the 13th man was defensive star Sean Lucas, then a big player made a big play in a big game. Too bad that it was a boneheaded play in that big game.

Alex Ovechkin
Ovechkin plays the game that many folks want superstars to play it. With speed, skill and power. Jarome Iginla is a fan favourite across the NHL because he’s a great goal scorer and leader but he’ll pound a guy into oblivion to help his team. Ovi is a great scorer, not sure about his leadership skills, and he will pound guys. Unlike Crosby or Malkin, Ovi hits you hard and then his you hard again. Then difference between Ovi and Iggy is that Ovi will hit you from behind or knee you like he tried on Tim Gleason. Every time you see a knee-on-knee, you figure the guy on the receiving end will be hurt but Ovi broke the law of averages and got himself hurt. Adding insult to injury, he was suspended for two games. There’s no doubt that he should have been suspended. The NHL can’t lose sight of the fact that hits to the knee can be just as bad for a player’s long-term health as head shots and concussions. (Just ask Bobby Orr though his knee problems weren’t caused by a knee-on-knee if memory serves.) Sure, Ovi is a superstar and a ratings and money draw for the league but no one pays to see him take cheap shots at other guys. But the message being sent is a good one. If the league’s brightest star (sorry, Sid) can get suspended for doing something stupid, anyone can. That has to deter them somewhat.

Keith Ballard
If the Green Riders’ 13th man felt bad on Sunday night, it was nothing compared to how Keith Ballard felt on Tuesday night. If you haven’t seen the most replayable hockey clip of the season (since Rick Nash last touched the puck), then you missed Ballard nearly decapitate his goalie instead of break his stick on the post. On the one hand, how often do we see players act like players and show emotion instead of act like robots. It’s refreshing to see players let their emotions boil over. On the other hand, he probably could have channelled those emotions into something more productive. Instead of failing to pull of a move that is common among six-year-olds in house league, why didn’t he try playing hockey? Instead of acting pissed about Ilya Kovalchuk scoring, why didn’t he clobber Kovalchuk the next time they were on the ice together? I’m not necessarily complaining about what Ballard did. It’s likely earned hockey more publicity than the All-Star Game and the first three rounds of the playoffs. I just wish he didn’t seem so damned unprofessional doing it.

Work/Life Balance
I’ll confess, it’s something that I don’t have. It’s not because I work all the time but more because I have no life. Anyway, I think I’ve figured out why I have no life and a poor work/life balance. I’m willing to bet that a lot of readers will back me up on this. My employers preach about wanting its employees to have healthy work/life balance. However, when they pour work onto you and expect to do it virtually non-stop for 8 hours a day. Then, when the day wraps up, you have nothing left in the tank for those six or seven hours left in the day before you call it a night. And these lunatics are preaching about work/life balance? Give me a break. While I’m typing this, I’m forcing my eyes awake. Folks want to know why I wasn’t out drinking last night? It’s because I’d like to go into a coma every night so I can rest up for the next day so I can survive without jumping out a window to escape.

Top Gear
Why is that I seem to spend more time defending these guys than promoting them or praising the amazingness of Top Gear? The latest troubles that the TG Three have found themselves in is over a segment from last Sunday’s show. James May was flying a caravan held aloft by a hot air balloon while being chased on the ground by Richard Hammond. During his escapades, May’s airship drifted into the controlled airspace of an airport with airplanes buzzing all around him. At the end of the feature, he crashed the caravan airship into a farmer’s field and some trees. Some folks decided that they would let everyone in on the secret behind the skit and told the press that the two main illustrations of May’s inability to fly were faked. They also said that the flight wasn’t solo but May had an experienced pilot onboard to help him. My question is “Who the fuck cares?” Top Gear hasn’t portrayed itself as a car show for years. It’s an entertainment program that uses cars and car culture as its base. So what if some parts are exaggerated or scripted as long as its fun to watch. The last thing I want is someone trying to ruin my fun. Apparently it’s British law that everyone must find a way to ruin your fun if they have the chance.

Susan Boyle
Speaking of apparent UK TV (or tele as the Brits are wont to call it) disasters, Susan Boyle is taking over the world. The following isn’t the jealous rantings of a Paul Potts fan. Even though he’s easier on the ears than Boyle, I don’t care about him either. No, I hate all reality TV and scripted programming masquerading as reality TV and game shows masquerading as reality TV. In the latter category falls Britain’s Got Talent which is the show that launched Boyle. Even though she was only the runner up, she stunned Brits by singing well for someone so frumpy looking. Anyway, she’s since become the biggest thing to come out of one of those god forsaken reality TV shows. If it wasn’t for Tiger Woods forgetting how to drive while being chased by a pitching wedge wielding Swedish supermodel, it would have been Susan Boyle week. Her new album set a first-day sales record in the UK as well as topping the charts in the UK, the US, Canada, Ireland, Australia, and New Zealand. All that thanks to the star-making power of Simon Cowell and reality TV. Gee, it’s one more example that Jackie can add to his ongoing things that Simon Cowell is doing to ruin the music industry.