If it’s not worth talking about, then it must be time for the Not News of the Week.

Only in America is livestock something a part of urban life. A cow decided to take a late-night dip in its neighbour’s pool. A woman was home alone when she heard the cow jump into her pool. It wouldn’t have been a terribly big deal but the pool didn’t have any steps in or out of it. The Anderson County Technical Rescue Team had to be called in to pull the cow out of the pool with the heavy equipment. No word if the woman’s homeowner’s insurance covers damage to the pool caused by runaway cows.

There are many questions asked in police brutality cases but I’ve never heard anyone ask “Is it okay if someone asks me to tase someone else?” An Arkansas police officer is under investigation after he tased a 10-year-old girl because her mother asked him to. The officer was investigating a domestic disturbance where a girl was kicking and screaming when her mother tried to get her to shower before bed. The officer tried to take the girl into custody but was kicked in the groin for his troubles. When the girl’s mother gave the officer permission to tase her daughter, the officer used a hand-held taser to the girl’s back. The Arkansas State Police won’t punish the officer because they figure that if he hadn’t, he could have hurt the girl… Worse than trying to electrocute her, I guess.

Good news for alcoholics like me. A recent study says that drinking lots of alcohol is good for your heart. While heavy drinking can lead to other related conditions, your chances of heart disease is much lower than the average person. Better news for me is that they benefits of heavy drinking for your heart is greater for men than women. Men who drink the equivalent of three shots of vodka a day or more saw their risk of heart disease fall by 50%. So when you pass out at your office Christmas party, it’s not because you’re a lush, it’s because you’re concerned about your health.

Today’s youth are being increasingly pansified by overprotective parents. Take this latest example of the downfall of America’s youth. A family is suing a middle school after their son was hit in the head during a game of dodgeball. The family’s lawyer complained that balls were flying everywhere and there was a complete lack of supervision. Well, isn’t that was dodgeball was all about. The fact that the kid was in the bleachers and not even playing dodgeball at the time is inconsequential. If he was in such rough shape from getting his bridgework done, why was he even at school? And how can anyone have such poor reflexes that they can’t get out of the way of a stray dodgeball? The kid got what he deserved, I think… Except it’s horrible in the “I don’t want to get sued” sort of way.

Over the course of a couple of days, the US Postal Service went from being worse than Satan to being the hero to kids across America. The USPS made a decision last week to end the program that allowed kids to write letters to Santa Claus and get a letter in response. The official reason was privacy concerns but I figure that it had a lot to do with eating the costs of writing, printing, and mailing letters to the kids. Anyway, a group of volunteers in North Pole, Alaska, have come to the rescue with USPS approval. A team of 100 people will now answer letters sent to 1 Santa Claus Lane, North Pole, AK, 99705. See, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.