As the Not News seems to prove time and time again, Americans just aren’t that bright. Two men broke into an apartment but were arrested while getting away. Police didn’t have too much trouble matching the men to witness descriptions because their masks were just permanent marker scribbled on their face. The two men, naturally, were drinking before their break-in and, combined with their stupidity, they were easily caught by laughing police. The local police chief says this was easily the weirdest and worst attempt at disguise in his nearly 30 years on the force.

The mayor of the British village of Nuneaton refused to judge his town’s annual pumpkin carving contest because of his religious beliefs. The mayor reportedly said that Halloween “glorifies Satan’s angels and celebrates the dark side” when he turned down his invitation to judge the event. His wife was also invited to judge to contest but she said that “Halloween is all about promoting Satan.” What Nuneaton’s power couple forgets is that Halloween’s roots are originally a celebration on the eve of All Saints’ Day which is, more or less, a holy day. I’m guessing, though, that they’re the kinda folks that would jump off a bridge if the Pope told them too. Smart Christians, dumb people.

If you’re living in the mean streets of Langley, British Columbia, you might want to leave home wearing the proper protection. A woman is on the loose and is described by police as a serial groin-kicker. At least four men have filed police complaints over a woman that kicked them in the crotch without provocation. Her latest victim was kicked so hard that one of his testicles was launched into his abdomen and was actually ruptured by the kick. The case is so important that the RCMP is involved in the investigation. If you see a slimly-built white woman with brown hair in her late teens or early twenties that’s between 5’3″ and 5’5″ and about 130 pounds, run. Run like your life depends on it.

If you’re driving in Florida, you might want to keep your eyes open for great, big, yellow school buses. They tend to stop frequently as a man on a riding lawnmower found out last week. He ran into the back of the bus and tipped over. The kids on the bus found it hilarious but the man couldn’t see the humour in his wreck so he tried to force his way on. The man was arrested while trying to beat his way on to the bus. Naturally, the man was extremely drunk. To add insult to injury, not only is he getting charged for crashing into the bus, DUI, and damaging the bus while trying to break in, he also stole the lawnmower. That’s one hell of a bill for a pathetic joyride.

I think this is the world’s greatest example of robbing the cradle. A 112-year-old Somali man is getting married for the sixth time… to a 17-year-old girl. The couple live in the same village and the man has known his new bride as she grew up. He said that he waited her to grow up before proposing to her. He was also quoted as saying on his wedding day that “God helped me realise my dream.” Actually, this is likely the creepiest story that we’ve had on the Not News ever.