Remember: If it’s not worth talking about, then it must be the Not News of the Week.

Dogs can be used as convenient excuse for everything from kids not doing homework to mail not being read to household items missing. However, one British man tried a new one. In England, everyone with a TV set must pay a licensing fee to support the BBC. One man tried to get out of paying his fee by saying that he doesn’t watch TV but his dog does. He claimed that his dog was lonely while he was at work so he leaves the TV on to keep the dog company. Other good excuses include the subtitles (closed captioning) being stuck on French and not being able to afford it because of taking care of a bird that flew into the house.

Rock god Ozzy Osbourne has come clean about the infamous bat incident from one of his concerts. In an excerpt from his memoirs, Ozzy said that he mistakenly believed that the bat was a toy. He said: “Immediately, though, something felt wrong. Very wrong. For a start, my mouth was instantly full of this warm, gloopy liquid, with the worst aftertaste you could ever imagine. I could feel it staining my teeth and running down my chin. Then the head in my mouth twitched.” I know it’s a memoir but this is definitely too much information.

The founder of the International Church of Jediism has accused a supermarket chain in Wales of religious discrimination after it ejected him from one of their stores. The tenets of the Jedi Church state that a member must be hooded in any public place with a large audience. He was thrown out of the store because security protocol requires people to not walk around hooded. Jedis are upset with the ruling because Muslim women are allowed to shop wearing a head dress but Jedis can’t. A spokesman for the supermarket chain said: “Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all went hoodless without going to the Dark Side.” I’m guessing the VP of security is Darth Vader.

As Tiger Woods can attest to, in golf, sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. One golfer in Nova Scotia would tell you the same thing after he went on a run of three holes-in-one in five days. All of his aces came on the Cape Breton Highlands Links Golf Course. His first two aces came using a nine iron on the 17th and 5th holes. The third ace came on the third hole using a pitching wedge. A mathematician calculated the odd of someone doing this at 2.9 trillion to one.

A Malaysian woman is considering herself back on the market because she’s worried her husband might leave her for a younger woman after he leaves drug rehab. The woman is looking to get married to husband #23 which is a lot until you find out that she’s 107-years-old. She has been married to her current husband (her 22nd), who is seventy years her junior, for four years. She says that she plans to remarry to fill her forlornness and “nothing more than that.”