Welcome to my new weekly column. On The Humanoids, I look at nine people, places, or organizations that are in the news and knock the piss out of them (for lack of a better description). If you’re a fan of Deadspin, you’ll notice that this is a less funny and shorter Will Leitch’s Ten Humans column. And if you’re a fan of pro wrestling, you’ll know I borrowed the title from Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. But that doesn’t mean this failed stand-up comic doesn’t still have some tricks up his sleeve.

Perez Hilton
Until I saw the promos for the Much Music Video Awards, I didn’t realize that Perez Hilton was considered a star or celebrity. For some reason, he was advertised as making an appearance. Well, the after party didn’t go so well because he got clocked by will.i.am and then told his millions of Twitter followers. No, scratch that. It was actually will.i.am’s manager. Apparently, Perez and Will were having a small Twitter feud. This follows ongoing feuds with Lily Allen and Carrie Prejean. Now he’s getting into it with John Mayer. That’s not even mentioning that the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) turned its back on Hilton after he used anti-gay slurs against will.i.am. If Hilton decided that he wanted to blog about the stars instead of trying to be the star himself, maybe stuff like this wouldn’t happen. If he were to make it as an actor or singer in Hollywood, he would fit right in with the other wannabes bouncing around.

Jon & Kate
I can’t say they’re plus eight because one of them might not be for much longer. Let’s pass on talking about the custody battle for now, though it will certainly be fun. After all, you have to laugh at the thought of “You take ’em.” “No YOU take them.” Anyway, I don’t know how they got famous but it’s clear that the fame has driven them apart. Normal odds for a divorce are one-in-two and the strain of being on camera 24/7 while trying to take care of eight kids likely pushed them into getting a divorce for the sake of their sanity. Then again, by all accounts, Kate is a bitch. Run, Jon! Run!

Gary Bettman
I should credit Jim Balsillie too. While the whole of the hockey world is focusing on Bettman-Balsillie 3, a lawsuit over pensions has gone unnoticed. An Ontario judge found that the players’ pension fund was underfunded by $30 million and the widows of some deceased players were being shortchanged. While this isn’t entirely Bettman’s fault, the players have to wonder if Bettman really has their best interests in mind. I also wonder if Balsillie does too, though. Balsillie is making a lot of noise that’s distracting people from the pension problems. Gary owes Jim a drink for covering for him.

The Facebook Movie
Yes, they’re doing a movie based on the founders of Facebook. Aaron Sorkin will write and David Fincher will direct the movie. In order to further confound would-be movie goers, they are calling the movie The Social Network. Despite the great writer and good director, there is no way in hell that this can be a good movie unless they Hollywood the hell out of this story. Actually, if they want this to be interesting/watchable, they should can their current David and hire David Lynch. Lynch is one of the most unique directors in Hollywood but he is also one of the best. If anyone can get people talking about Facebook (and giants, flashing lights, and hopefully a Ray Wise appearance), it’s Lynch.

Joanna Krupa
Being a Dallas Cowboys fan, at a certain point I got tired of Terrell Owens’ antics. At least his talent made him bearable while he was being a bit of a basket case. Krupa teamed with T.O. for the first episode of ABC’s Superstars. T.O. had a moment where he wouldn’t do an interview right away. No big deal. No worse than LeBron. Anyway, after they lose each of their elimination races, Krupa goes off the deep end with a slew of profanities. She made T.O. look like an absolute saint. He was gracious in defeat, Krupa was an absolute bitch. It’s not T.O.’s fault that she blew the lead in the final race. If they locked Krupa in a room with Kate (minus the eight), neither would come out alive. And I feel sorry for her boyfriend too.

Phil Jackson
He’s won 10 NBA championships which makes him the winningest coach of all time. Does that really earn him the break that he’s looking for? With a year left on his contract, Phil is looking to wind down by coaching less than the full 2009-2010. I know he’s amazing and all but do we really need another Roger Clemens (but without the third ear in the middle of his forehead)? Phil said we would only pass on coaching next season if there were health related reasons. He could just say that he’s giving his heir apparent, Kurt Rambis, the reigns for a few games to get him ready for he takes over. Eventually he’ll figure out if he wants to retire or not. By the time he figures it out, we’ll say “Willy hears ya. Willy don’t care.”

Spanish Soccer Team
If ever I was to give out a humanoid performance of the week award, the Spaniards would make an excellent first recipient. They faced the USA in the semi-finals of the FIFA Confederations Cup. The US needed a miracle just to get to the semis while the Spanish were the #1 soccer team in the world and undefeated since 2006. Sure, Spain dominated most of the game and looked like they could take the win anytime they wanted. The fact remains that they couldn’t. The fact remains that the Americans brought a side of mostly professionals while the Spaniards played some of their younger players. In the end, it’s not how you play the game, it’s whether you win or lost that people remember. Especially when you play the Yanks.

Max Mosley
We’ve tried to cover the latest happenings in F1 fairly thoroughly so I hope you know most of the story behind the recent split and reuniting of F1. But if you haven’t, in the last while, Max has caused teams to spend millions on a hybrid push-to-pass system that doesn’t make much of a difference and no one uses anymore in the name of the environment. He also nearly destroyed F1 by introducing voluntary budget caps that would have forced teams to either reduce their budgets by about 87% (from £300M to £40M) or run at the back of the pack in the name of sustainability and economics. In order to keep F1 from destroying itself, he fell on his sword and will not seek another term as FIA president. Now he’ll have all the time in the world to engage in alleged Nazi-themed orgies mit prostitutes (that’s German for with prostitutes). I can’t say that I’ll miss Max but I can say “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.” Mind you, I don’t think he’d mind if that would happen.

Toronto
The biggest story in the history of Canada right now is the Toronto city workers strike. Unionized workers walked off the job on Monday and have been on strike ever since. Hell, this is even bigger than the impending Liquor Store strike that would cripple the whole province of Ontario. Included in the strike are Toronto day care workers, swimming pool maintenance crews, and garbage men. Everyone outside the GTA knew that Toronto stinks. Now, Torontonians are finding out first hand.