The Best of Texts From Last Night (Part 7)

It’s been a few months since we’ve done a best of look at the original website that we featured in our best of the interweb series, Well, the fun and partying never ends so neither do the stories. So in our latest installment of the best of the interweb, here are more quick stories about drugs, alcohol, debauchery and sometimes all of the above.

(All texts contained in this post should be considered sic’d.)

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

let’s just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere… i would take care of that for him.

Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

Person 1: Why didn’t I see you last night!?
Person 2: We made out like 4 times….I think I saw you.

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn’t want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn’t be together.

Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn’t mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

Person 1: i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
Person 2: please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

Person 1: If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don’t care if it’s your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
Person 2: So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream “your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast”. But I’ve been told that would be inappropriate.

She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That’s not possible right?

Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

I’ll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another… Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was “protecting and serving” not “drinking and falling down”. Career validated.

I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I’m two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.

Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision


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