The Best of That’s Why I Dumped You

It’s been a while since we’ve added a new website to our best of the interweb series. This new one is That’sWhyIDumpedYou.com. TWIDY compiles some great reasons why people have broken up with their significant others. We’ve all been there and know how stinging a breakup can be. However, in hindsight, they can be pretty good to laugh at. So let’s look at some funny breakup reasons to make us all feel a little better.

(All stories in this post should be considered sic’d.)

He said: Your inability to invite your sister for three-way disappointed me.

He said: Not because you were a stripper, but because you expected me to feel special that you gave me a lap dance at home.

He said: Because telling me about your accomplished career as a prostitute *after* we got married wasn’t cool.

He said: When I said that you were only dating me to prove to yourself (and friends) that you weren’t a gold digger, you responded, “No, you’ll make a lot of money someday.” Not, “No, I’m not a gold digger.”

He said: Because you told me you were pregnant and your ‘proof’ was an ultrasound that had a watermark from being printed off the a website… which the guy before me warned me to look out for.

He said: Because you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”, not to mention “are” and “our”. Oh, and you’re taking 6th grade math in college.

He said: You got mad at me for not watching you sleep. Why would I watch you sleep?

He said: You had a dream one night that I cheated on you, and then didn’t speak to me for three days.

He said: When I talk about simple movie quotes you looked at me with a blank face. HOW THE F**K HAVEN’T YOU SEEN ‘STAR WARS’?

He said: The earrings you found next to my bed that caused you to flip out and hysterically accuse me of cheating on you in front of a house full of my friends…were yours.

She said: You wanted to fantasize together about a threesome. I gave in so we did. But since that moment I couldn’t stop thinking about girls.

She said: Because I weighed 120 when you asked me to lose a few pounds, which I did. When I mentioned people saying I looked good, you replied, “They haven’t seen you naked.”

She said: Because you called me ‘fat’ while i was pregnant, called our baby ‘it’ when he was born, and kept making jokes about him not looking like you. Enjoy the child support payments.

She said: Because you told me I was heavier than the average girl you date. When I was naked. Right after we had sex.

She said: Because under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to use a Playstation 3 controller as a vibrator on me. Ever.

She said: You took photos of your private parts and sent them to my friends. You also took photos of MY private parts and sent them to YOUR friends.

She said: Because you wore a pink, G-Unit sweat band on your head on our first date.

She said: Whenever you were drunk you would finish inside me when I repeatedly told you to pull out.

She said: Because you cheated on me with your neighbor and then said: “Just being a good neighbor honey”.

She said: You told me the reason you liked me was because I drove a Volvo, and that’s what Edward drives in Twilight.

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