Every year, I do my ridiculous NHL mock draft which is half serious and half satire. I figured that it would be fun to do the same at the trade deadline. After all, when experts and reporters talk about deals at the trade deadline, they always think that teams will make deals that make sense for all involved. In reality, the NHL doesn’t work that way. Players have no-trade clauses in their contracts and some GMs have no sense whatsoever. So let’s take a fun look at this year’s NHL trade deadline.

Tomas Vokoun: Traded to New York Islanders
If there’s one thing that Charles Wang does well, it’s give Garth Snow orders… Well, that and horde goalies. The Isles have Rick DiPietro, Mikko Koskinen, Kevin Poulin, Al Montoya, Nathan Lawson and that Evgeni Nabakov guy. That’s a solid half-dozen netminders but seven is a luckier number. That’s where Vokoun comes in. Florida wants to move him and Wang and Snow never met a goalie they didn’t like. As Nabakov illustrates, however, there are goalies that don’t like Wang and Snow.

Chris Phillips: Not Traded
I don’t know why teams seem to be clamoring for Phillips. His claim to fame is scoring in his own net in the fifth and deciding game of the 2007 Stanley Cup final. So what would the equivalent to scoring in your own net be for Phillips and Ottawa? Eating up cap space and not bringing in any draft picks by signing Phillips to a contract extension. He has all of four assists and is -27 this season. Why would any team want to trade for or sign that guy right now?

John-Michael Liles: Traded to Toronto Maple Leafs
Welcome to the JFJ years, part two. The Leafs have no early draft picks of their own and a farm system that doesn’t seem to have much promise outside of James Reimer and Nazem Kadri. So what would JFJ do? Fill some of the holes in the line-up and make a run at 8th. That’s where Liles comes into play. The Leafs have sent Beauchemin and Kaberle packing so they need a puck-moving blueliner. Burke wants Liles probably because he’s American. Much to the chagrin of Leafs fans, I think Burkie will be active on deadline day.

Dustin Penner: Traded to Toronto Maple Leafs
Penner is an ex-Anaheim Duck signed by Edmonton as a restricted free agent. Brian Burke has an unnatural propensity for getting his hands back on players that played for him in the past. Despite rumours sending him to Minnesota, I can see Burke sending a second- or third-round pick to his buddies in Edmonton to make this deal happen. Mind you, Kevin Lowe is out and Steve Tambellini is the GM for the Oilers so personal squabbles won’t prevent the deal from happening. After all, the Oilers want rid of Penner and I’m sure Burke would love him back. Clearly, this deal makes too much sense for the two to make it happen.

Alex Hemsky: Traded to Los Angeles Kings
Hemsky reminds me a bit of Alex Pocahonski. He seems to be perpetual trade bait, puts up reasonably good numbers but just doesn’t seem to be as good at filling his role as you’d expect. I expect Hemsky to fill the role I expected Ponikarovsky to fill in Los Angeles. Their job is to take the heat off Anze Kopitar and Dustin Brown. The Kings could really use some help on the blueline but the old saying goes that offense wins games and defense wins championships. There’s another old saying that LA seems to like that goes “the best defense is a good offense.”

Jason Arnott: Traded to Washington Capitals
Speaking of the best defense being a good offense, let’s take a look at the Washington Capitals. Arnott seems like one guys that would get traded frequently at the deadline. You know the type: Veteran player that’s a bit past his prime with playoff experience and good presence in front of the opposing net. It just seems like he’s the type of player that most teams would covet at the trade deadline. Why does Washington trade for him? Because their current playoff experience is poor at best and the best equivalent to Arnott currently on the roster I can think of is Mike Knuble. As the stats of my fantasy team will tell you, Knuble’s really been shit this year.

Brad Richards: Not Traded
Richards has an NTC. Do you think he’s going to waive it to go to a non-playoff team (I’m talking about you Toronto)? Not a chance. All the playoff contending teams that could use a playmaker can’t easily fit him under the salary cap. So he both can’t be and won’t let himself be moved the way the standings currently sit. I think he walks in free agency to the highest bidder. Hell, I’ll even throw out six years at $45 million to sign in Toronto as my early favourite as an alternative to burning your money.