Not News of the Week

It’s time for all the news that’s not fit for print. It’s time for the Not News of the Week.

The state of Florida will allow highly educated people to sue for their own ignorance and stupidity. A Miami doctor is suing a restaurant because he didn’t know how to eat an artichoke. The doctor ate the whole artichoke and suffered from abdominal pain and discomfort as a result. But he’s suing the restaurant for “disability, disfigurement, mental anguish,” and “loss of capacity for the enjoyment of life” as a result of his experience. By the way, to eat an artichoke, you use your teeth to scrape the “meat” from the bottom of each leaf. Just in case you didn’t know.

If you’re trying to get out of a DWI charge, you should use the excuse dreamed up by one Missouri man. He claimed that he failed his breathalyzer test because he had been drinking after his accident but not before. He crashed on an icy road last winter and claimed that he drank during the two hours he waited to be rescued in order to keep warm. Amazingly, a jury believed the man and acquitted him of the charges. So now Canadians have a ready-made excuse for their DWI cases.

However, one thing that Canadians can’t talk their way out of is the dreaded street racing conviction. A while back, I ran a story about a man who had his new Ferrari F430 impounded after racing a BMW M6 at 125 MPH on a residential street. So the police sold both cars at auction. In total, it netted $306,000. About $100,000 will go to the constabulary with the rest split between the drivers and their bankers. Unfortunately, police didn’t buy their “I was driving fast to stay cool” defense because it’s always cold in Canada.

A pre-school teacher found out that it’s not always a rock in a kid’s shoe that makes their feet hurt. A teacher in Boston was helping a three-year-old student what she thought was a rock out of her shoe. Instead, it turned out to be 17 small plastic bags of crack cocaine. The girl said her mother put “candy” inside her shoe but it was a family friend that confessed to putting the crack in her shoe. So the lesson is: Don’t hide your crack where it can be found unless you have a fall guy.

The Spanish sure do have an exciting way to encourage people to get out to vote. Check out this video from the Catalan Socialist Party which features a woman so excited about voting that she has an orgasm. I think they should try running those ads here.

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