It’s time for the weirdest and wackiest stories from around the world. It’s the Not News of the Week.

A while back, we had a story about a New Zealand lawn bowling star who whipped his little lawn bowling pin to tell his teammates that they were playing like dicks and was banned for 10 years. Well, he appealed his suspension and it was overturned. The Bowls New Zealand judicial committee cited the fact that the event was in the locker room and the player was drunk as mitigating factors to his actions. So while drinking is getting North American sports stars into all sorts of trouble, you can get off easy in New Zealand by claiming that you’re smashed.

Over the last couple of months, we’ve been tracking stories on 100+ year old people in Japan being found dead for a long period of time. Well, a review of Japan’s public records have found that over 230,000 people that are over 100 years of age and believed to be alive have gone missing. Of that number, 77,000 of them are supposed to be over 120 years old and 884 are supposed to be over 150. Rather than devote the resources needed to find out if these folks are actually alive, the Japanese government will just attach sticky notes to their files to say that their whereabouts are unknown. Japan: All the technology in the world and they can’t keep track of a few folks.

The Japanese are doing more than making video games and trying to fend off Godzilla. A Japanese scientist has announced that he has found a sound that enlarges women’s breasts. The ringtone is said to send a subliminal message to the woman’s brain that a baby is crying. The good doctor says that listening to the ringtone 20 times a day for 10 days will enlarge a women’s bust size by 3 cm. While it’s not quite as effective as silicone, it is showing that science is at least listening to the average guy when picking out their next research project.

Here’s today’s only in Texas moment. Texas is about two things: sports and guns. When the two mix, it’s probably not going to end well. A mother in San Antonio wasn’t too happy after her daughter’s middle school volleyball team was beaten by a rival middle school’s volleyball team. She decided the best way to demonstrate this was to brandish her gun at the opposing team while they were doing their post-game cheers in the parking lot. They sure take their sports seriously down south but that might be a bit extreme. Especially so when you think of the trauma the woman’s daughter will go through as the daughter of the crazy woman who threatened to shoot a middle school volleyball team. God bless America.

Not all people are as composed as seventh-grade girls when staring down the business end of a gun. Take a member of a pirate group that captured a ship off the coast of Yemen. Things were going well for them until US Marines stormed the boat and retook control. The Yanks didn’t even fire a shot to take the ship back. That didn’t mean that the Marines weren’t a bit more than the pirates bargained for. Even though they cooperated fully and didn’t resist, one pirate was very scared of the Marines. So much so that he literally shit his pants. This will never be in the official story but that’s a hell of a story to tell the boys: US Marines are so feared that people shit themselves at the sight of them.