The Best of Texts From Last Night (Part 2)

A while back, we looked at some of the greatest hits of TextsFromLastNight.com. Well, the fun and partying never ends so neither do the stories. So in what’s quickly becoming a regular feature on the blog, here are more quick stories about drugs, alcohol, debauchery and sometimes all of the above.

(All texts contained in this post should be considered sic’d.)

I’m home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He’s either stupid, whipped, or i’m just THAT good.

i just heard her through the wall saying “not on my face! NOT on my face!” then a scream and “I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!”…nice work dude.

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She’s a screamer. We’ve blockaded them

Person 1: why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
Person 2: lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Person 1: hows the party?
Person 2: ists fjcssing insceredle
Person 1: be there in 10

I got my parents high. They’ve been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I’m not the favorite

Person 1: On a scale of “impaired judgement” to “Mel Gibson,” how drunk are you?
Person 2: Toaster

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

Person 1: Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Person 2: Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn’t I think of that?!

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

Whatever. We’re stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him… You did this to yourself.

Person 1: How did you steal an entire pie?
Person 2: I don’t know. It’s in my purse. 

A lesson I learned in the hospital….when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

She said “Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off.” I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn’t involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I’m writing Revlon a thank you note.

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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