The Best of Texts From Last Night

Everyone has a website that they like to click on to take a break from the daily grind. (My personal favourite is a little place called The Lowdown Blog.) One place that has taken my 9-to-5 by storm is a little corner of the internet that’s called Texts From Last Night. If you haven’t been, it’s a collection of hilarious text messages that often involve drugs, alcohol, or debauchery and they’re even better if more than one is included in the message.

So just for fun, here’s a look some of my favourite Texts From Last Night.

(All texts contained in this post should be considered sic’d.)

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out…i went into my mom’s room to say goodnight and i don’t remember anything…she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes “whats so funny?” and i go “there are 7 people sitting on my knees” and she goes “doesn’t that hurt?” and i said “no we’re sitting in a bowl” and then i capped it off and said “join the crazy train bro” and passed out.

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better…I gave it an A+

Person 1: I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend’s twin last night…and he didn’t stop me.
Person 2: How was it?
Person 1: Fantastic, but that’s not the point.

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber…I’m buying the engagement ring tomorrow

i just yelled “run, its godzirra!” to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

At McDonald’s last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, “YOU MCFUCKED UP.”

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

I’m at the airport and there’s a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn’t see you there?

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy’s little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy’s little sis digs anal.

Person 1: Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We’ve got some Madden to beat.
Person 2: You’re the best girlfriend ever.

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn’t know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

Person 1: I’m watching CSI, they found semen in the woman’s ear.
Person 2: Guess she heard her killer coming

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the “ducks fly together” speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack…quack..

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said “Feed Me Bitch.” I don’t own a hamster. I don’t know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!…..yeah kinda akward

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