A friendly reminder from your pals at The Lowdown: If it’s not worth talking about, then it’s definitely the Not News of the Week.

There is often a debate over who breast implants are really for but a recent incident should clear things up. A woman working at a dentist’s office was shot by a gunman with a semi-automatic rifle but came away no worse for wear. That’s because the bullet was stopped by her size-D silicone implant. The woman, who incidentally is a mother of three and grandmother of two, had her implants upsized from Bs to Ds a couple of years ago. Police believe that if she didn’t have the implants, she would have been killed. So when a woman says that she got the implants for herself, now you can’t dismiss it right away.

It doesn’t matter who you are, when you fight the law, the law wins. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise that a disruptive six-year-old in Florida felt the long arm of the law when she acting up in school. On several occasions, the girl threw objects, hit school staff and screamed loudly. So the administration’s idea to keep her under control: Call the cops. When she disrupted another class, the school principal called the police who brought her to a mental health facility. The girl’s mother says that the principal was getting revenge for a complaint she filed against him the prior week. I think it was the principal getting revenge on the mother for having such a rotten kid.

It seems that just about everyone is going to rehab nowadays. A Russian zoo is sending a chimpanzee to a rehab facility for treatment for its addiction to alcohol and cigarettes. It was a former circus chimp but was sent to the zoo when it became too aggressive. At the zoo, it picked up its two vices. Zookeepers say that it would pester visitors for cigarettes and alcohol as they passed by his enclosure. This sounds like the sort of story that would be on The Onion but it was reported as legitimate news by Montreal Gazette and sourced from Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper in Russia. I’m just as shocked as you that this is a legitimate story.

A golf course in Australia can lay claim to having the world’s most dangerous water hazard. That’s because there’s a 6-foot long crocodile residing in one of the lakes. The crocodile moved in a couple of weeks ago and has taken up residence in the lake on the 2nd and 17th holes. Flooding of nearby lakes is a regular occurence in that part of Northern Queensland so the golf course already had a crocodile management plan in place. That doesn’t mean that anyone is rushing to retrieve any balls that find the drink. And that also doesn’t mean that there is a course rule for what to do if the croc eats your ball while it’s still in play. Definitely not one that you can play where it lies.

While I was busy dreaming of a big win in last Friday’s Lotto Max draw, a man who played a Ryanair scratch ticket demonstrated that money isn’t a source of happiness. Money given to you right away is the true source of happiness. A man on a Ryanair flight won €10,000 from a scratch card but was told that there wasn’t enough money on the plane to pay him right away so he’d have to claim the money from the company directly. During the flight, the man got frustrated with the wait to claim his prize so he ate his ticket. As a result, the company can’t officially confirm that he won and the man won’t be able to claim his prize. Ryanair will instead donate the winnings to charity. For that man’s sake, I hope it goes to his local mental health facility because I think that’s where he belongs.