The Humanoids: Twas The Week Before Christmas

Twas the week before Christmas and all through HQ
Not a creature was stirring, except maybe you.
Actually, Christmas and poetry have nothing at all to do with today’s Humanoids. Well, I guess you could say that Christmas came a week early for this lot because I get to lambaste them. Actually, I think that I might be the one that’s getting the early Christmas gift because I’m the one doing the lambasting. There’s nothing I love more than dishing out generally sarcastic remarks.

Have you caught the latest Lowdown Extra? We were going to play it on the 22nd but some bunch of self-important bunch of bastards that call themselves the CRTC don’t like it. We had to do a brand new Christmas special with extra Canadian Christmas music for the 22nd. For now, you can enjoy the original version of our 2009 Christmas special in all of its classic Lowdown ridiculousness.

Roy Halladay
The Doctor is out. All I can say is that it’s about time. Don’t get me wrong. I think that Doc is one of the greatest, if not the greatest pitcher in Blue Jays history. Hell, he’s been the best pitcher in baseball for the last five or six years. Whether it was for money or a chance to win a World Series championship, everyone knew that Doc wasn’t going to be back in 2011. Doc said he wasn’t going anywhere once spring training started. After his season started to unravel after being run through the trade deadline pressure cooker, I can’t blame him for not wanting to go through that again. That basically meant that new Jays GM Alex the Greek (not Great… yet) would have to move Doc now to get a return. When you logic the move through that way, it make perfect sense. What doesn’t make sense is how the Jays end up with some prospects that have no guarantee of panning out. No prospect is guaranteed to pan out but without JA Happ, I think that the Jays didn’t get a great return. Who knows, maybe this will work out for the Jays. For right now, I’m buying I’m booking my World Series hotel room for games 3, 4, and 5 in Philly.

Kevin Martin
Never heard of Kevin Martin? Then you mustn’t have watched the countless hours that TSN dedicated to the Canadian Olympic curling trials. Martin isn’t an undeserving champion of Canadian curling. He’s won four Briers and one World Championship. The only problem is that K-Mart has a reputation for choking when the pressure is on. Take the 2002 Olympic finals, for example. He give up 1 in the 9th end (of 10) for a tie game. He has final rock for the last end. Any competent curler, myself included, knows that they’re in a good spot and the pressure is on the other team to try something radical and drastic to steal a point because there’s no chance that they can for a blank. Somehow, Martin pull off the impossible and loses the game by letting his opponent steal in the final end. That’s what we come to expect from K-Mart is snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. The good news is that he’ll have John Morris with him throwing third stones. Morris is my sort of curler because he wears his emotions on his sleeve. He has a reputation for breaking brooms, swearing and trash talking. Reminds me of me when I curled in high school. Don’t get me started on the gong show that operation was.

Charles Tator
If you don’t know who Dr. Tator is, then you are smarter than the hockey violence obsessed folks in the country. He’s the neurosurgeon who is on an anti-Don Cherry crusade. He says that Grapes promotes violence in hockey and is a “negative influence” in the fight against concussions. How dare this brilliant man challenge the well-meaningness of the 7th greatest Canadian? I call Doc Tator brilliant because he attacked the right person to get his name out there. He rode the right coattails to notoriety despite the fact this is a total non-story… Actually, when I put it that way, I don’t know why I’m talking about him. I will say this: Don Cherry doesn’t promote violent hockey. He promotes smart hockey. Every week, he tells kids to keep their head up, tape up their skates to keep themselves protected, and campaigns to get rid of the instigator rule so talentless bums would have to pay the piper if they cheap shot someone. I don’t see how that’s violent hockey. Again, riding the coattails of someone more famous. What a tool.

Elin Nordegren
Shock of shocks, a sports/pop culture blog is talking about the Tiger Woods affair again. Actually, it’s closer to a dozen-and-a-half affairs but who’s counting? Actually, I want to talk about the genius that is his wife Elin. Sure, she married a sex addict with the libido of a… Well, a sex addict. Elin’s decided to make the smartest move at her disposal (apart from breaking out the driver) and divorce Tiger. Well, you may think, how’s that going to work since she has a pre-nup. Well, Elin has the same divorce lawyer that took Tom Cruise to the cleaners for Nicole Kidman. If anyone can help Mrs. Tiger get her revenge… Anyway, you’ve got to love the rumour that Puma was considering hiring Elin as an endorser for their shoes. Would they be cross-trainers or runners? Then again, she was also linked to a Nike endorsement for a new set of women’s clubs that was designed to give more speed on the downstroke and extra impact on contact.

KISS
Tuesday in my hometown of Sault Ste. Marie, the cry went out across town: You wanted the best, you got the best! The hottest band in the world… NOBODY! The KISS story is one we mentioned on the blog before when a city councillor petitioned for KISS to be banned from playing in the Soo because she was offended that Gene Simmons spit blood during a show years and years ago. Well, the delusional councillor got her wish as KISS cancelled their show just two days before the concert. Well, not so much cancelled as pushed back to the summer. They claimed inclement weather made driving unsafe for the equipment trucks. I say bullshit. The weather here was beautiful on Monday. The roads were a hell of a lot better than last week. Granted, the weather forecasts called for up to 5 inches of snow on Tuesday but the trucks would come in overnight Sunday and be in town long before Tuesday. This was the last stop on their Alive 35 tour so it’s not like they had anywhere to go. I think the real story is closer to Gene Simmons finding out that it would be cold and snowy in the Soo so he decided he was heading home. Now folks in the Soo will have to wait until the summer for the concert. I’d like to know when they’re planning on running this because KISS is touring Europe during the summer. They do know that Sault Ste. Marie isn’t in France, right?

Nickelback
Let’s move from one band that’s past its prime to another. Nickelback was just named the band of the decade by Billboard. Given my continuous lambasting of Billboard on every episode of the show, you had to know that this was a horrible call. Everything on the Worst of Music is a Billboard Top 10 song so I’d have to figure that any Billboard pronouncement of greatness has to be taken with more than a grain of salt. Fortunately, there are a few caveats to this announcement. (That was the fancy word of the day.) First, the band of the decade was determined by sales during the decade. Second, they were 7th on a list of all music artists’ sales over the 2000s. If they called Nickelback the best band of the first half of the decade… Actually, I’d still have a problem with it. They’ve had two good songs this decade: How You Remind Me (which has worn so much on me that I’ve deleted it from my seldom used iPod) and Burn It To The Ground (which I’ve only been hearing for a few weeks so I don’t hate it yet). In reality, Eminem was the best (selling) musician of the decade. Any day of the week, I’d rather listen to any rap than Nickelback.

Perils of Drinking
There’s lots of perils of drinking that I can think of. There’s the public intoxication ticket. DUI… There’s the hitting on the bouncer’s girlfriend which earns you a one-way ticket to a beating in the alley. Oh, and there’s the opening your big goddamn mouth to get people off your back and volunteering a bit too much info. Remember folks, when co-workers are trying to get you to change the direction of your life, don’t volunteer info that would prove that you’re ahead of them. Just smile and nod and agree with the slightly inebriated folks. Someone will remember something and they’ll start reading your blog that gave you complete creative freedom. Not that I’ve spoken about anything work related on here but it was nice having this nice separation of church and state… Or work and personal life, as the case is here. See, I’m so concerned about folks reading this that I’m writing as if I was writing for print. One of the few skills I possess is being able to write like I talk. Actually, given the way I constantly butcher the English language in a way that makes Don Cherry look like Bill Shakespeare, maybe it’s not such a good thing. Where was I? Umm… So, remember kids that binge drinking is good for your heart but bad for your liver. But you can always get a new one of those… If you’re Mickey Mantle. Another story for another time. Actually, Wikipedia it.

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